Double-Minded.

"So, the question is:
when the credits roll in your life, are people going to think your story sucked?" ~ Don Miller

* * * * *

I talk so big.
I worry about that far too much.

"Go big or go home" has always been my motto for just about everything.
Because, really, if it's not something of utmost importance or truly applause-worthy amazing-ness, why do it at all, right? What's the point?

But the longer I'm on this crazy journey of faith and life and family and marriage and ministry...the more I realize I know nothing, I'm pretty much a mess, and I don't have a clue.

I think I know what we're supposed to do one day, and I haven't the foggiest the next.
I say "bring it on" in front of my friends, and I hold everything that I have in clenched fists behind closed doors.
I say, "I'll go wherever, Lord," and then when there's an opportunity to be missional with people who don't know Christ, I cry "it'll be too late of a night for the boys."
I shout, "Let's move our family to Africa," but I don't even know my neighbors down the street.
And I say to my husband, "I'll follow you wherever" from one side of my mouth, but from the other I say, "Oh, but that option is out of the question."

I'm pretty sure there's something wrong with this picture.

And, while in my heart, I really do want to live a life of greatness - one that counts for big things for the Kingdom....I'm also pretty sure that I need to check my motives.

I don't think that the blockbuster worthy stories that took place in the Bible were sought after by the heroes and heroines that played in them. I don't think they were clawing for the spotlight, and I don't think they weighed out the potential for awesomeness and accolades before they made their decisions.

Because Mary didn't set out to be Jesus' mother, right?
And Peter was just out fishing with his buddies.
And David was just tending his little flock was sheep.
And Abraham and Moses were just living it out.

They were simply living faithful and following obedient.

I think one of the greatest lies I can believe is that if what I am doing is not Hollywood material or made up of something that's truly big and really great {in my eyes, anyway} than it's maybe not as valuable or as seeped in God-goodness - or as awesome as it should or could be. I make it so complicated, sometimes.

Because what about the mundane day in and day out of being faithful to your family?
What about the single Mama taking care of her three kids all by herself?
Or the Daddy who works a job he hates because of his crazy love for his family?
And what about the times when God seems distant, but we still pursue?
Or when I can't hear Him, but I vow to remain faithful until I do?

I'm pretty sure, in God's eyes, that's pretty epic, too.

* * * * *

Last night, I chose the "easy" and the "that sounds like too much work" over the -- let's go and be a missional community and hang out with some college kids for awhile. Instead of getting over myself, I focused on the late bedtimes that would happen, the load of junk I'd have to bring along with me, and the knowledge of about thirty interrupted conversations that I knew would take place with three kids in tow.

In my mind it wasn't worth it, - it wasn't "epic" enough - so I bowed out, and I stayed home.
With two bummed out little boys, I might add.
And the instant that Kev pulled out of the driveway, I knew I'd made the wrong decision.

Yes, I do talk so big, and so out of both sides of my mouth... and I wonder when I'll ever learn. On the one hand, all I can think about is wanting this one life to count for something big for Jesus - something noble and worthwhile. But on the other, I don't even pull my junk together to go out as a family and go bowling with a bunch of college kids who don't know Christ. Might that have had just as much potential for Kingdom greatness as a trip overseas? I'll never know because I discounted it from the very beginning.

I am, admittedly, a pretty crappy missionary with much to learn.

* * * * *

And back to the question up at the top?
Does it really matter what "the people" think, anyway?
Has it ever mattered?
They won't be the ones watching the credits of my life when all is said and done...

Man looks on the outward appearance...only God sees my heart...