Eleven.

Kaden Quint.... my "Gentle One."

Yesterday you turned 11... but I'm pretty sure it was just yesterday that you were still holding my hand or crawling into my lap for that one last story before bedtime.  I think, just yesterday, we were going for long walks in the stroller together, and Daddy was teaching you how to cast your fishing pole outside our apartment parking lot.  I was helping you remember to only suck your thumb during naps and bedtime, and you were lisping sweetly:  "I love you so much and TOO much."

But...then I blinked.
And now you're eleven.
And it really kind of slays me.

Almost as tall as me.  A proficient fisherman and hunter.  Generous with your hugs but now shy with your kisses.  I'm trying to honor that boundary, Bud, but sometimes I just have to muckle onto you and lay a wet one down just to see you squirm.

And just to hold one more time.
These years are flying past me - and I feel I can barely catch my breath.

I remember when the doctors told us we might have fertility issues, and I remember being okay with that.  I remember telling my Mama that I didn't think I was going to be very maternal, and I was pretty sure I'd ruin any kid God ever gave me.  I remember feeling you move and squirm inside of me, and feeling terrified at what we'd just done.  Your birth was scary, and I remember being rushed into surgery and almost losing my womb.  I hardly had a chance to hold you before I was taken away, and I remember thinking:  "What if they give me back the wrong baby?  I hardly got a chance to see him."  I already felt like a failure.

And then it was all over, and you were back in my arms....and I remember knowing that you are were mine...and that I indeed had the right baby boy in my arms.  I remember being so proud to share you with all of your Grampys and Grammys and Aunties and Uncles.  I remember thinking how handsome you were - and how tiny.

And then you cried.
And then Grammy said:  "Ooooh!  He needs his Mama."
And then I froze.

Because I knew that right then and right there every single person in that room would know that I was an imposter.  Every single baby I had ever held up until that day (which wasn't very many) would always cry in my arms.  I was certainly not a natural, and every baby knew it.  And then, the most beautiful thing happened....a moment that is forever ingrained in my memory.  She placed you sobbing in my arms, and the instant you were back with me, your little newborn eyes - they closed -....you snuggled in, and you nestled deep....and you instantly stopped your crying.

You were certainly a natural with your own baby sister.

You knew me.
And from that moment on, I was a Goner...
That was the moment where I remember becoming a Mother.

And what a ride it's been.

You are a Joy, Kaden...and I am so proud to be your Mom.  You are tender and you are kind.  You are patient with your siblings, and you respect your parents.  You are funny and you are witty.  You love the simple pleasures, and you are easy to please.  You don't worry what others think of you, you don't try to follow the crowd, and you are honest and responsible.

Kaden, as you enter your teen years, I pray that these qualities remain...and that you always see their value.  I pray that following the crowd never becomes a temptation, and that honoring your parents stays priority.  Honesty and integrity will always serve you well -- and we always want the truth, no matter what.  We are your biggest fans, and we will always love you -- no matter what.  I always tell you kids:  "There is nothing you could do that would make us love you more, and there is nothing you could do that would make us love you less."  Not a single thing, Bud.

Your years in a single snapshot.

Kade - may your walk with the Lord become your own.  May it be true and may it be deep.  That is my prayer for you this year.  I pray that you make Him first priority - that you hide His word deep in your heart, and that you grow in wisdom and stature.  I pray that you will be strong and courageous in Him.  That you will always stand for truth.  I pray that you will always stay looking out for the underdog - just as you do now - and that you will lead by example.  I pray for your purity.  That you will treat all girls as you treat your sister, and that you will be a gentleman.  That you dare to be different, and that you dare to take stands - even if they are unpopular with your friends.

Afro Boy.

My prayer for all of you kids I had you memorize years ago:  Deuteronomy 10:12 ~ "Now, oh {Kaden}, what does the Lord your God require of you, but to fear the Lord your God, to walk in all His ways, to love Him, and to serve the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul."

You do this Love -- and you will be blessed and you can have Joy in the midst...
Life will not always be easy -- but that's why you need Jesus.  It's all about Him.
You miss out on that....and you miss the boat completely.
"He will make known to you the path of life." ~ Psalm 16:11

Coffee order.  I've created a Monster.

Watch your Daddy, Kaden.  Learn from him.  I've told you this your entire life.  Of all you kids - you are most like him - in your personality and in the way that you think.  We jokingly tell you that God has given you a Jesse to prepare you for your wife.  Chances are - you will marry as different a personality as Daddy and I did.  Watch how your Daddy does life.  What how - even now - he goes against the grain in what society values and in what it sees as important.  See how he is honest, see how he is true.  Watch how he cares for your Mama, and watch how tender he is with your baby.  Pay attention to how he makes his decisions and how he is intentional about his days.  Focus on relationships - and on your walk with Jesus first.  Lean in and listen.

When you struggle - and you will...
And when you fail - because you will...
Know that we won't be surprised.  And we'll love you no less.
Know that you can tell us anything - and you can tell us everything.
We will walk it with you, and we will have your back.

Thanks for the gift of you, sweet boy.
Thanks for the gift of Motherhood...and thanks for your grace with me.
I surely know that I don't do this thing called Parenting perfectly...but I love you with all that is in me.

Homemade icecream cake.  Eat your heart out, DQ.

Happy Birthday Number Eleven!
May this day be filled with many Legos and many fish reeled in.
You are the Best, my Love!!!

Mama's Choice.

So...

My Loves.  All of them.

During the seasons of fishing and hunting -- which are pretty much 12 months out of the year and which all of my boys are pretty much obsessed with doing with every fiber of their beings -- we have sort of morphed into a little routine as of late that keeps us all a happy unit.

Let's take Fishing Season for example:  If for the past few Family Days we have either fished along the banks of a stream, fished from a boat, went for a walk to fish behind our house, or drove down an abandoned road and found some random river to fish alongside....or if, hypothetically, we had a free night together as a family and we all loaded into my Grampy's old boat and sat on mosquito infested Hermon Pond for two hours whilst the boys caught their fill of pickerel and bass, crappie and perch... whilst the Mama sat with her head between her legs and her hoodie tied as tightly under her chin as possible to keep all of the high pitched buzzing out of her hearing for fear that she might lose her marbles...

Instilling Wonder.

When Family Day comes next around the corner... all of the eyes of my Loves look to me and allow me, the Mama, to choose for myself our Family activities for the day.  We call it:  "Mama's Choice Day."

It keeps me sane.
And it keeps them living.
And then we're all one happy little family.
Compromise.  It's what makes the world go round.
What a beautiful thing.

So, this past Family Day, I chose for us to take our maiden voyage to Bar Harbor for the day.  What I really wanted to do was go on a family bike ride all around Acadia....but we had just gone biking
a couple of days before....plus we have no bike rack....details, details....so we just loaded up our sweet selves and big ole picnic lunch and kicked it.

The day was nice - not overly hot or sunny - so significantly cooler along the coast, but still lovely and beautiful.  We stopped for a wee picnic at Thompson Island where the tide was way out, so the kids adventured out into the boot sucking mud in search of whatever critters they could collect.  I believe the search yielded a couple of tiny crabs, boatloads of bloodworms, and four filthy children.

My kids enjoy collecting things that are kind of grody.
Currently, we have an aquarium full of army worms - growing in all of their glory.
This here, is a bloodworm....and a filthy boychild:
Both a little bit grody....bloodworms have feet all over them.  And they bite.
These boys had mud all over them.  And they were stinky.
I guess I have fun collections, too.

Then we headed over to Sand Beach amidst this conversation in the backseat:
Kaden:  "It's freezing down here.  I'm not going swimming."
Jesse:  "CANNON BALLLL!!!"

This...is the look on London's face as soon as she saw the waves and the vast expanse of the ocean.
Zero fear.
Zero qualms.
Zero concern for if her Mama was nearby.
Zero respect for big huge waves that could carry her out to sea.
Zero problems with the water being bone aching-ly frigid.
Zero cares that her lips were blue and her entire body was shaking with chills.
And 100% zero concern that her Mama saved her life approximately 8 million times that afternoon.

These are her eyes of death when I finally had Kev tag in and take her away from the waves...
This child.
I have another little Jesse on my hands.  In female form.  Wild and free.  Fearless and Full Tilt.
Except with Jesse I was eight years younger.....

We rounded off the day with yummy homemade ice cream at a sweet little shop in Bar Harbor, and then the kids crashed hard on our drive back home.  Mama's Choice was a success.

Equal amounts of laundry needing to be done.  If I were honest, maybe more.
Much more energy exerted in keeping children alive.
Much more chilly.  But way less bugs.
Critters still caught and released.

I kind of loved it.
It was a good day.
One in which I needed a long, good night's sleep afterwards...

I kind of love these guys, too....
And I would fish with them every day on bug infested waters if that's what it took to prove it.

But, I'm glad I don't have to.

It's a Wonderful Life.
Wild and full.

To Instill Wonder...

I was skimming another Mama's blog post today and one little phrase that she wrote jumped off the screen at me.

She said that her job as a Mama is "to teach and to instill wonder" into her children.  And I thought: "Oh my goodness!  Yes!"  Granted, this isn't the be all and end all job of Motherhood, but it surely is a huge piece of the job description - whether we send our kids off to school in the morning or teach them ourselves around our kitchen tables every day.

She has a bit of a boot addiction.  It begins.

All of life is learning.
And so much of that living and learning, they are soaking in like sponges just from watching us.
And I wonder sometimes just what they are witnessing.

Maybe this is hitting me so new and so fresh because I have a little toddler who literally follows my every move - every single waking minute of her day.  No matter what I am doing - she is committed. She's right there in the thick of it with me.  Laundry?  Clothes are flying everywhere, and she is in her glory.  Dishes?  She steps right up onto the dishwasher and starts handing me clean plates and glasses -- and goodness knows, I'd better be ready for the hand off, because she means business. Cooking?  She wants to stir, she wants to taste test, and she'd like it best if she could be sitting right up on top of the countertop all the while.  In the bathroom getting ready for the day?  She brushes her teeth when I brush mine.  She wants powder put on her nose when she sees it go on mine.  School with the Hoolies? - she is either on one of us or squished right smack dab in the middle of it all...adding her own little recipe of whirling dervish to the already Crazy that is my day.

Little red newts...the wonder of the woods.

This is my Life.
And most days, this is my Joy...
Those other days... I feel like I might lose my marbles.

Those are the days when I wound and I bleed raw my four tender hearts because I have an agenda and there's always more to do.  I have to race and I have to spin if everything is going to go just as it should, and there's never enough time, and I'm always behind.  There's only one of me, and at times I'm barely treading water.  Those are the days when I forget to Slow and See.  I forget to hunt for the Sacred that is married to the Chaos...

Drawing pictures on mossy rocks with sticks as pens.

But, my Grammy used to say that "Haste makes waste," and man, she had it right. Haste makes waste to our very souls.  Haste wounds.  And haste means missing out on a lot of "wonder instilling."  I have found in this past year, though, that in order to do this well, the Mama has to be healthy and the Mama has to be whole.

As whole as any broken woman in need of Jesus can be.  I guess that's the beauty of it all in the first place, anyway.  So, for this season of life, sleep is sacrificed in exchange for an hour and a half of solitude - Jesus, coffee, and exercise.  First thing every morning.  Fuel for my heart and fuel for my soul.  I am better because of this.  I am filled so that I can pour out.

And after that - I have eyes that more clearly see.
My perspective shifts, and I am better at stooping low.
When I am not married to my agenda, and when I'm not a slave to my schedule - that's when the wonder enters in.

And not just for them.
That's when I can see it, too.

The boys have moved out...

~ Kaden and I might play a game of Cribbage, even though the clock says it's time for school.

~ The boys may sleep out in their tent for days on end - even though the practical part of me says they'll be way more rested if they were in their own beds.  I now think of their adventure, and of their brotherhood bonding.  I think of the childhood memories they'll be able to recall when they're older.

~ They may go night crawling at 9:00 at night - because isn't that the beauty of Homeschooling in the first place?  They can sleep in a bit the next day.  We can start when we're ready.  And if all the guys want to go fishing until dark on a crazy trout excursion - is it really a big deal if the showers and baths have to wait for one more day?  These are Epic adventures!

This.  I Love.

~ If Jesse's love is creating, I can help with that wonder and that creativity.  I can teach him recipes...and I can give him freedom to get lost in his own creations.  I can give him free reign of my kitchen...and I can teach him to clean up when he's done.  I watch his joy, and I can delight with him in his creating.

~ If Kaden loves to hunt, he can get up early and go to bed late - being outside, in creation, with his Daddy.  Becoming a man, providing for his family, getting better and better with each season of the hunt.  I can encourage that.  I can cheer him on, and I can enter into his quiet joy and accomplishments.

Gifts from Ransom

~ If Ransom loves his own little world of cars and bikes, of swinging and of playing outside - I can join him in his world.  The dishes can wait, I can enter into his boyhood wonder as we swing higher and higher -- talking about everything and about nothing at all.

~ If London's love is to be with her Mama, I can slow things down, and I can let her help.  I can teach her, and I can enter into her Joy of whatever moment we are in - brushing teeth, flinging laundry, or burrowing under the blankets of the beds that we just made.

Suppers of Freshness...  Zucchini noodles.  My new Love.

I can slow, and I can see.
I can enter into the wonder.
But, I have to get out of the way of myself, first...

And maybe it's not me instilling that wonder into them, anyway.
Maybe it never was.
Maybe it was these guys who were the teachers all along...helping their Mama to see.

More of You

Less of Me

Clear my Eyes

And help me See...

Little Lives

Give me Grace

to see their Hearts

and see YOUR Face.

Give me Joy

A Heart for You

Fill me up

To start Anew.

Guard my Heart

Keep my Soul

A Brand new day

To Start out Whole....

My Kitchen Reminder...

"Faithful is He who calls me, who also will do it....."

Weekend Wanderings.

Because Haste makes waste...
And because Hurry makes us Hurt.

Because beautiful, sunshiney days call for being outside and for explorations.
Because Friday is our Family Day, so everything else can wait...

Daddy let Jesse drive some.  I was a wee bit scared for my life.
Joking.  Not joking.

Because I'm Head Teach, so I can set up my school week however my little heart desires...
And, I choose to crunch things up into four solid work days - Monday thru Thursday - so that my Friday can be completely wide open..

That's the way we like to roll over here.
This is the schedule that best suits us.

We typically start school one or two weeks before everyone else.  We don't do Fall, February, or April breaks...so everything really evens out in the end in the long run.  We usually finish up right around the time everyone else does.  I'm no delinquent...but I am a bit of a rebel...and I strongly believe that play is the work of childhood, and that ALL of life is learning.

I think so much of school can happen in the Great Outdoors, anyway...

Piggy toes and sun through the trees.
Two of my favorite things.

Yesterday, the boys slept in their tent after a late night of nightcrawling, when they got up they mowed the lawn, I threw in a load of laundry, we packed our bags...
And then we kicked it.
For the entire livelong day.

Sun-kissed skin.
Dirty fingernails.
Wind-blown hair.
Little kids running free.
Boating.  Fishing.  Exploring.  Playing.  Running.  Climbing.  Jumping.  Fire building.

That, my friends, - for us anyway - is how to live life to the fullest.
Sweet, simple joys for my Loves and for me.
And all it cost was a little bit of gas money for my Grampy's old boat.

 Naptime did NOT happen...in the interest of keeping things real.

But, London loves being outside more than anything, so she is always her happiest even if sleep never takes place.  This would NOT be the case at home.

We are at a stage of life where the age spans are kind of wide.  Sometimes it's a little tricky finding something that everyone enjoys and where everyone is happy for at least most of the time.  The boys love fishing and explorations - but London is fearless, and I honestly can't take my eyes off of her for a second or she'll drown.  They love long hikes in the woods, but she's not a fan of the backpack and wants to do everything herself...  "I waaaaant waaaaaalk."

So, we still do all of these things, but we compromise.
Usually our adventures are never quite long enough for the boys...
...and typically they're just a little bit too long for London and I.

It gets exhausting trying to perpetually save her from death and drowning.

So, when we find something where everyone is content and happy - for the majority of our adventure - well, that's pretty much amazing, and that's classified as a "best day ever" in my Mama book.

London, being a whole year older this summer, enjoyed the boatride WAY more than she did last year.  As a newborn, she just slept the entire time.  As a not yet mobile but so very much wanting to be on the move one year old with a super restrictive lifejacket she was just plain mad most of last year.  But, for her maiden voyage this weekend, I was pleasantly surprised.  She was happy as long as she could move back and forth between the front and the back seat, and she finally accepted the fact that Mama would let her lean over the edge of the boat and stick her hands in the water just so long as I had a firm hold of her lifejacket.

Compromise.

I'm the red.
And Steve MacDonald...if you're reading this, I am now 9 games ahead of Kev.
Tell him he'd better start "trying" soon, or it's going to get really embarassing....

The boys fished for awhile in the boat while London roamed and ate snacks, and then we parked ourselves on a good sized island and let the kids run free.  The three Hoolie boys fished and explored, London wandered some but stayed close enough to always be able to see us.  We had a big old campfire lunch with camp coffee to boot, I creamed Kev in a game of Cribbage, and we just vegged and played for the entire afternoon.

It was blissy.

This is what I want my kids to remember about their childhood.
This is what I remember about mine.

We never had a lot of money, but we always made time to play together.  We would canoe down rivers, go tenting in old gravel pits, explore the Allagash, build bonfires as big as the camp, go four-wheeling and snowmobiling for hours with family and cousins...

Sneaking sippies.

Those are my childhood memories that I treasure.
Nothing over the top amazing.  Nothing elaborate.
But quality and quantity time as a Family all together.
Nothing beats that.
In my book anyway.

Our kids may not be involved in all of the latest programs.  They'll probably never be star athletes or concert musicians.  Sometimes my Mama guilt kicks in for not putting them into all of the awesome programs that our local school and different clubs have to offer.  There's such a great amount of quality stuff out there.

But, for us -- for right now, anyway -- I refuse to be a slave to anyone else's schedule.  I refuse to live in my van taking my kids back and forth from program to program.  And I feel like mealtime around our dinner table - together - is more important for us.

Those are my values, anyway.
Everyone has their own...and we all have to do right by our own families.

Jesse asked if he could jump out of the boat when we were close to shore...
First swim of the season!

I don't know...

We'll never get everything right, and I think no matter what we choose to do, we'll probably have regrets in some area or other.  I think the Mama guilt will never die, and the comparison trap will always be a battle.

But, this is what we've chosen for us for right now...
In this season of life - I am finding that Less is indeed More.
At least for me.

There's a quote floating around Facebook that I love:  "Going back to a simpler life is not a step backwards."  That's my heart to its depths...

There will probably come a day in the very near future where the kids will rather be other places rather than hanging out with us.  There will probably be a time and season soon where being a taxi to and from an activity that they really love and want to be involved in will be right where I find myself...and I will choose to see the Joy...and find the fun...and be the loudest cheerleader from the sidelines for that, as well...

But for right now...
For Today...
Life is simple.
And it is savored....oh, how it is savored.

Family Days...they ground me.
And I have more Joy because of them.
Sweet simplicity.

"It is the joy of the small that makes life large." ~ Ann Voskamp

Mama's Day...

When the snow melted, Jesse found tons of "onions" and pulled them all up for me.
Thankfully,  a few of them survived...

While Kaden was doing Math beside me this morning, I was listening to a song that I have loved for years, and he looked up and said:  "You used to play this song all the time.  Why do you love it so much?"  And it struck me anew and afresh as to why it's buried so deep in my soul...

This is the song I had played on repeat over and over again for at least one of my babies' births.
It will forever transport me back...

Kev always gives me the greatest of gifts before each one of my babies is born.  He cuts me a C.D. of songs, and it's a total surprise as to what they are.  I love LOVE love these gifts...and I play them day and night during my entire stay in the hospital.  Years later, whenever certain songs are played, I'm instantly taken back 2, 6, 8, 11 years ago....

...And I love it.

My heart.   Right here.

Being a Mom.
What a crazy journey.
One I said that I never wanted to take once upon a time...

It's funny how life changes you.
I'm constantly surprised at how much I love being a Mama to these four little hearts.
They grow me.  They challenge me.  They humble me.  They fill me up so full...

From my Jesse.  We have an ongoing competition over who loves the other more.
And he bought me Dots.  His favorite candy so that I can share with him.

My Mother's Day was lovely.  My own sweet Mama was here, and she and I hit the town for an evening out together.  A rare treat - sans any Hoolies - and I never laugh so hard as when I am with her.  At one point, I seriously had tears running down my face so badly that I couldn't even see the road.  Silly things - jokes and humor that you only find funny in the moment and with each other. But, so much fun.

Such sweet memories...

My boys each presented me with their own sweet homemade cards and their own favorite treats that they knew I would share with them.  Ha!  They know I love something homemade far more than anything they could ever buy.  I love each of their little styles and interpretations.  I love how they change and grow each and every year.

My Daddy-O actually surprised me with a Mother's Day gift as well!  I love Dad's gifts...I never expect them, I'm always surprised by them, and they always have something to do with being crafty and creative.  This here is my very own personal belt sander!  I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do with it yet, but I love that it's a big ole tool, and I love that it's all my own!

We had a bbq after our three services at church, we ate leftovers from London's birthday, and a whole slew of trouties that the boys had caught over the weekend.  We sat on the deck, we enjoyed the sunshine, and then after Mom and Dad left, London and I had ourselves a glorious afternoon nap while the boys all played outside.

That just may have been my favorite gift, right there!

The Hoolies all camped out in the backyard overnight.  They stayed up late nightcrawling with flashlights, and being crazy.  Kevy snuck away to bring us home a "Stay-In Date" of take-out whilst the kidlets had nary a clue, and he gave me the sweetest card with cold, hard cash to spend on something fun.

It was a great day.
It was sweet.
It was simple.
It was blissy.

And my Mama's heart is filled up clear to the tippy top brim...