Dear Baby...

Today we found out what you are...

Our appointment was an hour away, and bright and early at that, so I was up before the sun preparing.

Preparing to meet you.  Preparing my heart.
And still wrapping my brain around the idea that in 20 short weeks, I am going to be a Mama of four.

We brought all three of your big brothers into the ultrasound room with us.  None of them had a preference as to a baby brother or a baby sister - they were all just excited and happy.  Initially, Kaden didn't want a "bossy big sister," but when I told him that he would always be 9 years older - so he would most likely never get bossed around by you - he decided boy or girl would be equally fine.  Every day Jesse goes back and forth, but he's really "just happy there's a baby."  And Ransom's pretty much along for the ride.

Your Daddy, though...  well, this time around, he's been a different story.
For the very first time ever, he was hoping for a baby girl.
And, so when we could see no parts that we are all very used to seeing, he was smitten from the get-go.

And me, your Mama?
Well, Baby Love...I'm not going to lie to you...I'm pretty much terrified.

With you, I will be entering a whole new territory, an uncharted course, and a world that - while I am still a woman - I feel so very inadequate and unprepared for.  A small part of me has always felt that God knew what He was doing in giving me all boys because He knew I might ruin a little girl if ever I was asked to raise one.

And so now, He has entrusted you into my care, and I am at an utter and total loss for words.  Equal parts over the moon excited and scared to death.  Equal parts so very humbled with this honor and paralyzed by the responsibility.  Maybe it's because I'm older now.  Maybe it's because I know this world a little bit better.  Maybe I know a little bit more about what we're getting ourselves into...and of the areas where as a mother, I know I am sorely lacking.  Whatever it is, this time around, I'm thinking a whole lot more about the coming chapters and seasons of your life than I ever did with my first.  And while you're going to be my fourth little baby...in so many ways...I feel like I am starting completely over afresh and anew.

But either way, we shall learn together, my Love.  You with me, and me with you.
I will never pretend perfection, and I will never be afraid to say I'm sorry.
And I will do my very best to be the Mama that you need me to be...

And know this -

....while I am not a girly girl, and while I will always inwardly gak when people call you a little "princess;"

....while I won't be dressing you in pink and ruffles, while I am slightly overwhelmed at all of the "stuff" that comes with having a girl, and while I will do everything within my power to not let you become a prissy drama queen...

....while you will be born into a world swirling with sadness and sin, with chaos and pain, and with a whole lot of ugly mixed in for good measure...

....you'll also be born into a home swirling with love and acceptance of whoever you want to become, with three brothers and a Daddy fiercely protective, with a Mama humble, with life lessons of learning to walk with Jesus, and with a whole lot of crazy mixed in for good measure, as well.


You are a light in the midst of so much pain, and joy in the midst of a whole lot of ugly.
You are a little splash of light and life - proof of God - into a world that tries to scream Him away.
And you are loved deeply, already.

Sweet London Faith ~ you have birthed me into an entirely new realm of motherhood...
And I humbly accept this sacred gift.