Okaaaaay........Want to Play a Game?

I just got off of the phone with a friend who shall remain anonymous, but I just want you to know - dear friend - that this one is for you! You are the second person in the span of a few weeks here who has commented on the "peppy-ness" of my blog and, I believe the question of: "How come you are always so happy?" also came about in said conversation a few times.

I scan a few blogs where all that I read is perpetual sunshine and rainbows and butterflies and to be quite frank - I find them sickening, and they drive me absolutely CRAZY! Whenever I read these blogs, I feel like gagging from the oh so perfect gloriousness of these people's lives, and they by no means encourage me or brighten my day in ANY shape of the imagination...and I find it hard to believe that nothing EVER goes wrong in their lives and that they don't ever struggle.

Sooooo, if my blog is one of those kinds of blogs - by all means - shoot me right now! Generally - I really do love my life, and I am a happy person, overall - but BY NO MEANS am I sunshine and butterflies all day every day. It has never been my intention to come across this way in my writing. In fact, I have been trying to be more intentional about writing about ALL things in my life - the good, the bad, AND the ugly.

I know that we all struggle with things - some of us are just better at hiding these things than others, and it's super hard to be vulnerable...especially with people who seem to have life all together and tied up in a pretty bow all the time. I don't want to be one of those people. If I have done that, I am going to clear up a few things right now. Settle in, because this post is a long one. But, I just want to share a small sampling - a tiny tidbit - of the things that I am currently struggling with and, by God's grace, working through.

I'll call it - Amy's Top Ten Current Things of Yuck, and I'm just going to lay it all out there - no excuses, no nothing.

1. I think about my personal appearance more than I should. Since we've moved home I've gained ten pounds. Not sure how or when it happened, but it's somewhat all consuming and frustrating to me; and it's all I can seem to think about.

2. Whenever I go to certain friend's homes and see their creativity or things that I want or their lack of toys and stuff everywhere or their Suzy Homemaker abilities, I have to constantly fight the urge to not be ungrateful and to not covet. Kev can tell when I've been visiting them just by my attitude - I can become a completely different person and all of a sudden hate my home and all things in it instantly!

3. Kaden did not have a stellar Christmas in the "thankfulness department." This entire holiday I had to constantly remind him to thank the gift giver, to not compare what he got to others, to be happy with what he was given, and to actually LOOK at the present before tossing it to the side. Many moments of feeling like a failure here and of being embarassed......and not necessarily for the right reasons, either. I wanted him to act appropriately, so that people would see what a great kid he is.....so that in turn - they would think what a great mom I am.

4. I like the spotlight. I like accolades. When someone else gets them instead of me, I get jealous. (Nice, eh?)

5. There are MANY days (and often many moments within said days) where I could bonk my kids' heads together and promptly throw them out the window! In the four years that I have been a mother, I have never cried more in my life or felt more lonely or like a failure in EVERY area of my life. Half of the time I don't have a clue what I'm doing, I don't feel like I'm doing a good job, and I feel like everyone around has "it" completely together and never struggles with ANYTHING!

6. I am a people pleaser. I worry far more about what people think of me and my home and my mothering and my family and my LIFE than of what THE LORD thinks of any of those things.

7. Kaden and I are very different in our personalities. He is shy and timid and slower than death on stilts, and he needs things explained to the 9th degree......and I am not. I have to constantly reign myself in from constantly being short with him just because he handles life differently than me! I want to let him be HIM, but sometimes it's hard! And Jesse has me eating humble pie every day - he has had phases of biting, hitting, screaming, throwing, and all said things put together at once....and often in public!

8. Sometimes I crave "life before kids." I enjoyed working, I loved my independence, and I loved my home neat, sparse, and organized! In the darkest depths within me lies a career woman who could potentially leave my family in the dust for the lure of the spotlight and "things of importance" that can be measured by the world's standards. I know in my heart of hearts that what I am doing is of utmost importance in the Lord's eyes and that it is my highest calling, and MOST often I really am living my dream in being able to stay home with them....but there are days....just so you know.

9. I compare, compare, compare. And I don't compare myself to the Lord's standards, but I compare myself to everyone around me. When I look at myself through the lens of other's lives I see that I don't play enough with my children, I'm not creative enough with them, I shouldn't be so excited for naptimes, I'm not structured enough....or maybe I'm too structured, I enjoy being away from them more than I should....or maybe I'm too protective and don't leave them enough, I worry too much about the neatness of my home, I need to have a huge family if I'm a good Christian, don't I?, homeschool or regular school....and on and on and on. I could go crazy if I let myself.

10. Up until just last month, my quiet time with the Lord ROTTED, and was sporatic at best. I am just getting back into the routine that I think He is pleased with along with the right motivation behind WHY I am having my quiet time. And the reason why (I am reminded afresh and anew - almost every day it seems -) is that I desperately need Him and His wisdom and grace. I am a hopeless failure without Him!

So, there you have it. Real pretty, eh?

Did that encourage anyone?
Can anyone else relate?......Anyone else want to play?