Emotions....

I'm not a huge fan of change. Really, no matter what it is - initially, I don't like it. In fact, I feel like I am almost always a fairly optimistic person, but when change is on the horizon I become quite pensive and thoughtful - always imagining the worst! Weird.

This has happened enough times in the course of our marriage, that it doesn't weird me out anymore, and Kev knows me well enough to be very gentle with me during this time, so it's good. I think it must be the fear of the unknown and what the future is going to bring. Maybe it's because I'm not in control and that's nerve-wracking. I'm always thinking and wondering about how this is going to the change the dynamic of my family and what it may look like for Kev's and my relationship. The funny thing is - and I should know this by now - is that things always turn out fine, and once the change actually takes place I adapt just fine, and I always grow to LOVE it. God has proven Himself enough times in my life to show me that He ALWAYS does above and beyond all that I could ever ask or imagine in my finite little mind. He ALWAYS takes care of me. He NEVER leaves me or forsakes me. I am NEVER left alone.

Yet, I still am fearful and I still worry.

I remember the first time I was a camp counselor......We would get a new crew of kids each Monday, and every Sunday night I would cry because I had just gotten used to the old crew of kids - we'd just worked out all of our kinks, and I had just gotten to know and love them - and now I had to start all over again. On our way to youth group for the very first time, I honestly thought I was going to hurl - I was so terrified of walking into the teen room with all of those kids that would be staring at me and sizing me up! When we bought our new house, I cried for the first week because it was out in the country and I felt so cut off from all of my friends! I remember the first time we held Bible study at our new place, everyone just kept commenting on how far out we lived, and I was sure that no one would ever come out to visit me! The entire nine months that I was pregnant with Kaden, I was very pensive - wondering if I was going to be a good mom and worrying that it would change Kev's and my relationship! And don't get me started on the grieving that took place when Kev announced his dreams to uproot and move us out to Philly! Whew! Weeping and gnashing of teeth! Well, not quite, but close! Weird, eh? Yet, once the newness of all of these things wore off - I loved the new chapter and I thrived on the new change that had just taken place in my life.

So, here we are yet again, on the cusp of another change for our little family. The pensive, thoughtful side of me is once again thinking of the potential negative things that could take place: how stressful the packing and move could be with two little ones, not knowing where we are going to live for the interim until we find another house, saying good-bye to our church out here and all of the friends we have made, going home to another church and not the one we've always known - what if I don't see my old friends as much? What if the church doesn't like us? What if my boys become hoodlums - and Kev is supposed to be the "Pastor of FAMILY Ministries?!!" And it's been three years since we've lived in Maine.....I've changed...everyone's changed. It will be different, you know? What if? What if? What if?

Yet, quietly and softly, the Lord continues to remind me of how He has always been so faithful to me in the past. He calms my worries and He stills my soul. He calls me gently to Himself and asks me to simply trust. He is good. He is my Daddy. And He loves me more than I will ever know. He will take care of me. Be still, Amy. Be still and know.......

3 comments:

Trish D said...

Oh girl, I am right there with you (we're looking at a 2,000 mi change!) and I seriously could have written many of these very words. I think that's why I look to Romans 12:12 so very often:

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

I need to rest in Him, knowing He's given us ALL I need (and so much more!) I also like to read I Timothy 6 (generally starting around verse 6)... I particularly love the phrase in verse 19: I want to take hold the "the life that is truly life"

Praying for you, sister!

Sarah said...

I can literally relate to EVERY feeling you have. It seems as if we are identical when it comes to change. It is comforting knowing someone else is experiencing the same things along with me. And good to be reminded of God's faithfulness as I try to remember it each day!

Katie said...

Ohhh, Amy. Hugs, hugs, hugs to you and your boys right now. I am so happy for you-- being able to come back home, etc-- and I'll be praying for you especially right now. Am I allowed to be sad that you're leaving me still at school? Because I am. Shall miss you guys in the fall . . .

XOXO