Year Four.

Welp, for a girl who said that she would never, ever homeschool her children because homeschoolers were "weird,".... here we are at year number four.

Woulda' ever thunk it?
Surely not me.
But, I would never have thunk a lot of things, and I've now done just about every single one of those things that I said I would never ever do.

So, now I shall proclaim from the rooftops:

I shall never ever be a millionaire.
I shall never ever vacation in Hawaii, or Tahiti, or Jamaica.
I shall never ever be 100 pounds.
And my children shall never ever be perfect angels all the live long day.

Let's see how those statements work out for me....

This year, however, I just found out that I'm not Superwoman.

I kind of thought I was for awhile there...but either the move, or the fourth child, or just this year entering my "late thirties," or maybe a combination of all three happened...and I now know that I cannot conquer the world....or even Rome in a day, for that matter.

And I'm a little bit okay with that.
Just a little.
Oh, my aching, bruised pride...
I had to break it to myself gently.

Anyway, in light of this new realization of mine, I have decided to become part of a Homeschooling co-op that meets all day every Friday.  I figure that if my kids learn nothing from me this year, they will at least get chapel, physical education, sign language, music, art, literature, and a little bit of history.

 And Ransom will learn his letters.

And good gracious me, those kids will finally get "socialized."  Phew.
Maybe now they can be a little more "normal."

I jest.
I actually really do jest.

I find myself having to saying no to invites for my kids to play just so that I can justify a full day's worth of school.  Socialization is honestly the least of my concerns.  I've got bigger fish to fry.  Like making sure I live through the day.  Just kidding.  I do like a shower every now and then, though.  And it's nice to feed my kids real meals.  I try to get them bathed once in awhile, too...  But, quite honestly, that's quite a bit further down on my list of priorities.

Just keeping it real.

 But, for Monday thru Thursday, Mama's the Big Cheese Teach.

And since we moved our entire house into an upstairs addition of a home, our three bedrooms all double as something else.  Our room doubles as an office space.  Ransom and London's room doubles as a guest room.  And the big boys' room also doubles as the schoolroom.

It works.
It also helps that the the closet is the size of a small bedroom; so that doubles nicely as their school supply room, as well.

And my boys kind of love the fact that sometimes they can do school on their beds.
Not gonna' lie...it looks kind of cozy.
I might even lay on the bottom bunk sometimes when I read them some of their Literature.

 And so....

Thankfully, school is getting accomplished each day.
Lessons are getting learned.
Love tanks are getting filled.
My nerves are staying in tact.
And for the most part, we're all pretty happy doing it together.

It's not as perfect or as structured as I would always like it to be.
And every single day of my life I wish that I had about six more arms and hands...and heads...so that I could attend to all four kids at once.  It's often interrupted by London needing to be changed. Or fed.  And by Ransom needing help on the potty.  Or by Jesse proclaiming his full and utter boredom at having to write the Letter B "six WHOLE times!"

But,.at least he knows that B says:  "B as in butt and booger."

My Dad's a teacher.  Chalkboards are being traded out for computers at his school, so I got this big daddy!

I'll take it.
Last year, he would have said:  "B as in.....chicken??"
So, we've made a lot of progress already...

And so here you have it.
Year number four.
It's going to be good.

Some days it will take place on one last frayed nerve.
Some days it will happen on the bed.
Some days we'll be in our jammies with remnants of last night's waittressing shift still upon me.
Some days will be great.
Some days will be Epic fails.

But, we'll walk it together.
And we'll bathe it in grace.

And I'd trade in my cape for new mercies every morning any day.
Because it's His strength that's perfect...

Confessions of A Woman Proud.

And so, here we are...
A little over two weeks into life at our new place.

New surroundings, new routine, and new rhythms to learn and grow accustomed to.
And deep, soul friends who we've walked many roads with together...

Moving the girls...courtesy of two awesome friends and their rigs..

A final garden pillage.  I left lots for the newcomers as well...

We have never attempted to live together, however...
...with anyone, for that matter.

So, this is all so very new to me.

Awesome big backyard.  Zip line included.  1 of the Mamas once flew along that thing...she took out 2 of the boys...AND she peed her pants from laughing so hard.  It. Was. Awesome.

Throw in a teething baby who rarely naps, a Mama who is attempting to wean herself off of caffeine in the attempts to see if naps elongate any, an awesome head cold that's hanging on for dear life, my first year at homeschooling more than one child, my three loud Hooligan boys with loud, flappy Hobbit feet living above our friends' sleeping quarters, and living life raw and vulnerable in front of four extra pairs of eyes....and...well...that's just about the perfect recipe for Humble Pie...one in which I get to partake in multiple times each and every day - courtesy of my four small children and my own ugly pride.

London's male protection squad just got raised from 4 men to 7.  She's golden.

Because, you know when you have a play date scheduled into your little week for friends to come over?  That timeframe of 11:00-1:00...just two bitty hours where your kids and her kids can play and share toys, you can all eat lunch together, and then everyone goes about their merry way, back into their own little worlds, tucked safely and securely back inside those four square walls and little picket fence where no one on the outside world can ever see or hear what you're doing...or what you're saying...or how you're living...

The front of the house with our porch and our entrance.  We live up above.  And my boys' feet are very VERY loud.

One can pretend just about anything for two teensy hours, can't they?  I know I can...
And one can give a pretty perfect picture - when all that you ever show anyone is what you choose to write on your blog or in your witty facebook status updates...

Our entryway.  A bistro of sorts...

Right?
Can I get a witness?
Or is this just my own glaring form of ugly....

Well, now that's all been stripped away from me.  In the name of "community" and in the quest of "walking alongside"....of honestly and truly walking and living life raw and real together... in a culture where we really don't have a sweet clue in how to do it well...in doing this, and in wanting to do it right - all pretenses of perfection very swiftly get chucked right out the window.

They have to be.
And it is right and good.
But, it is painful.  And it is exhausting.  And it is humbling.

Because when one of my boys hauls off and whacks one of his brothers in the safety of my own four walls - well, that's no big deal.  I can just have them both sit on their beds for a time out and then we all go on our merry way.  But when one of my boys hauls off and whacks one of her boys....well, that really hurts my pride.  And it's embarrassing.

Because, it's a reflection of me.

And when you live together, everyone can see how much t.v. you actually let your kids really watch....and they hear when you raise your voice at your children.  They know your little quirks, and your flaws become glaringly obvious.  They see how you really and truly live your life day in and day out.

5 sweet Hoolie boys.  With 2 big Daddies.  And 1 Baby Girl.  Going on a lion hunt...

Exploring the property.  Checking trail cams.  Learning trails so that I don't get us all lost someday...

And it strips you down bare.
And it makes you feel exposed.
And pretty much after day #1, it is oh so obviously clear to all around you, that you don't have it all together.

But what good has it ever done anyone to pretend that you have all of life tied together in a neat little bow... and who has it ever helped if you never drop your walls first and honestly bare your truest you, but instead you choose to flash your painted shell of a self to the people whom you allow into your little world?  And how long can that really last, anyway?

The new digs.  Rather ginormous.

So this is me.
The tired-est, true-est me trying to learn to walk alongside well.

The me who would so much rather be at the total top of my game the first time I try a communal living together experiment...but instead it's the me who is waking up most mornings completely bleary-eyed, fairly overwhelmed with the day, with an entirely different standard of "clean" and "tidy" than I would ever have dreamed of pre-four-small-children-in-my-life.  This is the me who honestly has no idea how I will ever teach two boys with a crazy four year old running around and a non-napping infant.  The me that can barely fit time in for a shower, and the me who can't remember the last time she went for a run.  This is the me who has no idea where anything is anymore, who has yet to cook an honest to goodness meal since we've moved in, and the me who wonders if her students are really even learning anything.  This is the me who is finding a new routine of cooking and laundry, of mothering and teaching, and of meshing five small little boys - brothers at heart and sweet little friends - but five boys nonetheless, learning to love and to share, to include and to be gentle with each other's hearts - all under one massively ginormous roof of a house.

Kev told me to go to Starbucks so I could write.  He came home and found this...

This is me.

The Mama overwhelmed.
The wife tired.
The teacher insecure.
The waitress attempting to speak coherently.
And the friend trying her best to walk life real.

It's messy.  And it's beautiful.
It's exhausting.  And we're learning.
It's embarrassing.  And it's hilarious.
It's scary.  And it's comforting.
It's daunting.  And it's exciting.

All wrapped up into one crazy bow of two little families living life together under one roof of Crazy, Messy Beautiful.

When Life Gets Hairy...

** Written almost two weeks ago now...Happy to report that we are moved and settled in...we are finding our new norm...and our new adventure has begun...But before we were able to get to said new adventure...all of THIS happened:

When you crawl into bed with your little six year old who is sobbing sad because his kitty never came home...
And when you hug your neighbor tight good-bye and the tears slip past for both.

When your baby starts to teethe and her naps are just a joke...
And when you've had McDonalds, toast, or cereal for suppers all. week. long.

When the rest of life is starting school, and you haven't even ordered all of your materials...
And when sleep doesn't come but you feel like the walking dead.

When you're sad to leave what felt like your Forever Home...
And when you're a little nervous about what the future holds.

When brothers fight...
And with nerves frayed raw....

There's grace.

There's grace in the form of friends who come to paint, and in Grammy's who rock your babies.
There's grace in men who take time from their own crazy lives to move a coop...for the love of her chickens.

And there's grace in deep, soul friendships who walk alongside.

There's grace in ice cream for supper and in sweet baby coos.
In fresh coats of paint and in wiping wet tears.
In taking naps with your baby and in stopping to nurse.
In stooping way lower and in asking for help.
In deep conversations and in just. letting. go.

There's grace.

For life that's upended
...but for chapters anew.
For three boys excited
...and a marriage that's true.
For friendships and country
...for Mama's who come.
For his arms around me
...when each day is done.

For boys and wee babies
...for him and for me.
For starting new chapters
...for choosing to see....

In the Midst.

In the midst of the messy and the madness ~
I am safe, I am loved, and I am free.

With my Jesus and my loved ones all around me ~
Step by step, day by day.... It's all I need.

Summer's last Hurrah...

When my heart begins to roam...I'm reminded:  Here's not HOME...
And Jesus holds my hand...He walks with me.

With this change that's all around me ~ And this pace I cannot keep...
He gives me the perspective that I need.

And Kaden's 18", 4lb. bass.  He went out in a blaze of glory.

When fear, it seeks to bind me, and heartache takes its toll ~
I'm reminded what's Eternal, and I'm made whole.

With mercies new, and grace that's true ~
With faithfulness that never fails me...

He holds my hand; He helps me stand ~
In the midst of this madness and this messy ...

Balance.

I'm sitting here this morning feeling equal parts refreshed/reconnected and on-edge/chomping at the bit.

London is sleeping still -- so I should be flying around like a crazy lady, Ransom is chitty chatting beside me and sharing my coffee, and the two biggest Hoolies are sprawled on the couch watching a movie.  Yes a movie.  At 8:00 a.m.  No judgey.

Kev and I have been passing like ships in the night these past several days - literally tagging in and tagging out as he comes home from work and I head out for an evening shift of waittressing...so last night he put his foot down and said enough was enough.

I believe his exact words were:  "I refuse to be a slave to the tyranny of the urgent."

My evening plans had involved going over to our new place to paint until Midnight or so, because a friend had out of the blue offered to watch my kids for free...so it was just so very obvious to me that we would take her up on the offer and go and kill things over there.  Hello.  No brainer.

He texted me from work and said:  "Don't you think it would be a good idea to just be together as a family this evening?"
I texted him back and said:  "Well, stuff is not going to get done by itself, and we only have 10 days to ransack the place."
He said:  "I think we all need to reconnect."
I said:  "Ten days."
He said:  "It'll get done."
I said:  "Ten...Days."
He said:  "What's your name again?  I forgot...because I haven't seen you since July."

Just kidding.
He didn't say that...but he was right.

My canned goods and my basement are now in our new abode.
The rest of my house is a different story.

And so...
We had a cozy supper together as a family -- with real veggies and something that looked a whole lot different than toast or cereal -- and then we packed up the Hoolies and took them out for icecream.  It was good.  It was needed.  And he was right.

I think that in most marriages, the wife has the finger on the pulse of the family.  It doesn't really work that way with ours.  I could be a workaholic, easily.  I can justify that a whole stretch of "crazy" is just for a "season"....and before I know it, one season flows into another...and eventually we would be sitting across from each other having serious marriage problems.

London & Ransom's room.  Although I don't want a "girly girl"...this is a little much for  me.

It's no secret that someday I would love to go back to school to be a midwife.  I cannot tell you how many people have suggested that I just "pick away" at my classes during these years of child rearing, so that when they head off to school, I'll have my degree and I can head out into the real world and see my dream become a reality.  Maybe some women can do this, and even do it really well - with honest to goodness boundaries and everything.  But, I know me.  And I know that I am an all or nothing kind of a girl, and I am also a self-proclaimed nerd...so that whatever test or paper that would be due - it would always be in the back of my mind, I would never be able to slow and just "be," and I would be very tempted for the next four years of their childhoods to just say: "Oh, it's only a season...just until this next test is done with...and then I'll check back into motherhood."

And so it shall come off the walls.

We'd all fall apart.  I know this for sure.
It's a growth point, a character flaw...what have you.
But I know me, and I know my tendencies.  It's a major weakness of mine, and so I'm not even going to open that Pandora's box until this "season" of motherhood looks like a way different "season" than it does right now.  Good Heavens, I'm completely twitchy over a room that still needs to be painted at our new place.

So, there you have it.
I'm growing and I'm learning.
But, it's Kev who keeps us all in check.

Stripping wallpaper is of the devil.  Of this I am certain.

And so today, I shall pack a box here and there...amidst four wee ones whirling and swirling around.  We'll stop for snacks and for baby feedings.  They'll probably watch more t.v. than I would care to admit.  We'll probably have toast again tonight.  And I know this place will get packed up.  I also know our new place will get painted.  It will all get done..it always does.  And we'll all look back and wonder how it happened.

And, by God's grace...it'll get done with no collateral damage.
The kids will feel loved, and they'll feel safe and secure with this huge change.
Kev and I will maintain our sense of humor and we'll stay re-connected.
I won't get my pants in a wad, and my words will be kind.

It's also really good to have friends invite you to step away from the tyranny of the urgent, as well....

Because....
"How we spend our days is in fact...how we live our lives." ~ Author Unknown.

16 Days.

* Written in the wee wee hours of yesterday morning...  Hence the incoherence and blank stares that I've given to anyone I have chatted with today.  My apologies.

Our two-day yard sale is done and over with.
My yard is a mess, my house looks like a cyclone hit, and I've been living on caffeine...but it. is. finished.

And it was a smashing success.
Between the lot of us - and despite my perpetually giving stuff away so that it wouldn't return into my home....AND despite the brothers selling things back and forth amongst themselves... over $750 was made! Woot!  A ginormous trailer load of stuff is headed to the transfer station, and only two boxes (2! boxes!) are returning back into my home.

Success.
Smashing.

And now that leaves us with sixteen days.

Sixteen days to pack up my home, clean it from top to bottom, paint my new apartment, strip wallpaper from one of the bedrooms and then paint it, clean said apartment, and then make it feel as much like a new HOME as I can...

Throw in six waittressing shifts and four wee kidlets...and we're golden.
We've got this.
Just keep swimming.

As I write this, it's 2:00a.m., and I've been trying to sleep since 10:00.  Mayhap it has something to do with that 7:00 p.m. push-through-the-yard-sale-clean-up cup of coffee that was consumed.  Plus, the two biggest Hoolies are tenting outside, so we have our A.C. turned off upstairs so that we can hear if any weirdos creep into our backyard where Kev would have to go all Rambo on them.  Because of this, it's entirely too roasty toasty upstairs for me, and I cannot get to sleep to save my soul.

Plus, I had to have my first cry.

You know, the one that's like:  "Holy crap.  We're really and truly doing this."
We are selling our house and we are slamming the book shut on this chapter of our lives.
We are moving on into uncharted territory....and it's big...and it's change...
And it all has to be done in sixteen days.
It just kind of slayed me all at once.

Kevy knew I was restless, and he knew I wasn't sleeping...
He said he also knew that this was coming.
All it took was a:  "Honey, I know that you're giving up a lot"...and the floodgates opened.

Because although sixteen days to do all that I need to do feels entirely too daunting and completely overwhelming at the moment...I know that it will all get done.  It always does.  What feels bigger to me than all of this right now is the fact that I have only sixteen days to begin to walk away from this sweet four year chapter of my life.  This chapter that was so "me" in so many ways...with my ginormous garden, and my big sprawling yard...my kitchen wherein I practically lived...and my sweet neighbor Lew.  This place where I have lived the longest and where I brought two babies HOME.  This 2 acre lot - where out of all the places that we have ever actually called home - being the first where I really and truly felt it...

1 of 3 batches of bread and butter from my garden.  I am happy.  With three Hoolie samples.

So, that just feels a little daunting, as well.

But, it's all been a gift, and I view it as such.
This world is not HOME, and we're just passing through.
It's just "stuff" and things...I know this.

And I honestly am excited for the next chapter.
I'm excited for the adventure of what is to come next.
I feel beyond safe and secure in taking this next step with the man whom I love.
I love paring down.  I love living simply.

We be jammin.' 5 batches worth.  At least 5 more to go...during a more sane season of my life.

And I really and truly adore the concept of getting out of debt.
When do you ever get the chance to live somewhere rent free for a season?
 In a huge house?
With dear, dear friends?
On a 48 acre lot?
With a road that dead-ends on a lake?

We are martyrs, by no means....

I turned 36 last week.  The boys gave me "my" favorite candy.  And a birthday cucumber.
Kevy gave me running sneaks and 10 hours of painting.

And as we leave this sweet spot filled with four years of love, I am full.
I am thankful, and I leave this chapter feeling beyond blessed.

Happy to have been given a forever friend in Lew.
Happy to have learned his gardening wisdom ...and Cribbage.
Thankful for such a sweet spot to bring two of my babies home from the hospital.
For the crickets and the tree frogs...
For the first time ever being able to have chickens roam free.
For a man who I would follow to the Ends of the earth and back again...
Who I would do absolutely anything for...because He would do the same for me.
For him not caring a whipstitch about painting...but for knowing it's important to me...
And for four little Loves willing, ready, and excited for adventures awaiting.
For three final batches of pickles...
And for corn on the cob.
And for Grammy's taking our kitties...

And as we move ahead, I am thankful to walk with deep, soul friends.
For forests with no poison ivy.
And for chances to grow.
I'm thankful that although we are "in town," it's actually more country than here...
For bringing our chickies right along with us...
And for a few months of respite.
For a chance to step away from the rat race for awhile, to say "no" to that crazy...
To slow down and to simplify...and to reassess life.

It's good.
It's all so very good.

And grieving is good too.
It's okay to be sad.
It's a necessary step in the journey..for closure...and to give permission to move ahead for what's new.

And so, with this chapter closing and a brand new one upon us...
Although overwhelmed, I am thankful...
And although sad, I'm content.
I turn the page nervous but excited...with equal parts sadness and relief...trepidation and excitement.

And with the words of that wise old sage ringing in my ears:
"Don't cry that it's over....Smile because it happened." ~ Dr. Seuss
I shall try, Dr. Seuss.  I shall try.

And now sleep woos me back...with that man breathing softly...
And His mercies are new every morning...

Perspective is a powerful thing...
"I lean into the river, baptized again.  It's current it takes me."

Today...

Today, we were supposed to have our giant yard sale.
Today, the house was supposed to be completely culled and sorted...organized and rooted through.
That's what we've been working toward all week long.
It's the next step in this whole moving process....

But today, I am a Mama frazzled.
And he is a Hubby tired.
And they are our babies full of grace...but with love tanks just a week bit depleted....

And so Today....
Instead of the whirling and swirling...and instead of the rushing and running...
Instead of hitting the floor running, bringing boxes up from the basement, and pressing the accelerator even harder...

2 sets of fat little feet....1 set wherein Daddy isn't sure what he thinks of being painted.  ha.  It begins...

Today, we are saying no to the crazy.
And we are walking away.  Just for the day.
It'll all still be here when we get back...but we will all be the better for having walked away.

It was Kev's idea.
He's got a better finger on the pulse of our family.
I tend to just "push through" until said goal is met...no matter the chaos or the casualties...
He knows better how to re-calibrate...us.  All of us.

And so they stumble out of bed...one by one...with bedheads adorable and love tanks refilling...
We sit and we slow down.
They watch cartoons, and we sip our coffee...
He and I will play some Cribbage and we'll re-connect from the long week previous...
Whenever we feel like it, we'll all hop into the car and we'll kick it for the day...
And we'll drive south from all the crazy.

We make our own agenda...and we can choose to be slaves to it...or we can make it work for us, instead...
Today will make me better.
It'll make me a better Mama...and a better friend.  It'll make me see my husband...and it'll restore my balance.

Today is good.

So...We Have An Announcement.

Like....literally.
We have one.  Finally.

And so, without further adooooo.....
We are pleased and proud to announce the birth of our fourth child....a wee baby girl.
Who is now *cough* 3 months old.  Ahem.

Poor child #4...

Kudos to my sweet cousin Trina, who came over to the house when London was just a week old exactly, and who was oh so patient and loving with this new baby.  She took so. many. pictures.  And she was so sweet and professional.  And I am just so pleased with the results.  I hate taking my kids anywhere to get their pictures taken.  It's kind of like the bane of my existence...like right up there with being tortured, in my book.  But someone coming to my home?  And a family member at that?  Yes, please....

 If you can't read the inscription on her announcement it says:

"London Faith Booker came into our lives at 6:44 a.m., on May 9, 2013.  She weighed 8 pounds, 1 ounce and was 21 inches long.  Daddy, Mama, Kaden, Jesse, and Ransom joyfully welcome our sweet baby girl with deep gratitude and with great love."

Oh yes we do, Baby Love.
We do, indeed...

Cat napper by day, but sleeper-through-the-night, she is a whole lot of delicious wrapped up in a delightful little package of "chill." This baby girl is so happy and so content...and she puts up with a whoooole lot 'o love from her brothers.

Mad coping skillz, she has.

And during this season of "crazy," where I am back at work a few shifts each week, and where we are purging our home from top to bottom to get ready for our yardsale and our big move in just a couple of weeks...I am so very thankful for a wee little baby who makes me literally stop and sit every few hours...

We sit.  We slow.  We nurse.
And we find that sacred amidst all of the crazy chaos.
And each and every time life rights itself again....