A Different Kind of Labor Pain...

Dear friends married off their their youngest daughter the other day...
And right before my eyes - I witnessed it.
The closing of the chapter of childhood days forever gone in a beautiful rush of "I do's."

Weddings slay me.
They are such a mix of beauty and of pain - of letting go and of flying free.

And since motherhood is made up of childhood, there really is a painful beauty in watching those roles morph and change...of watching a different kind of labor pain take place right before your very eyes...and of watching the mother and father so beautifully open wide their hands...

....of the gift that was just on Loan in the first place...

And I am reminded once again that these days of whirling swirling chaos...
...this season of doing and doing and re-doing over and over again...
...these days of living life right down in the deep and muddy thick of it...

It's just a vapor...
Sometimes it's good to be reminded.

While the days may be long, this season is fleeting.
It is not forever.
Not by a long shot...
And I don't want to wish years away.

One day, I will blink, and that will be me - standing in front of many - watching my sons and my daughter start a brand new chapter of their lives while one of my own closes shut.

So, may I not spend these fleeting days of my children's life on fleeting things...
May they see in me - a Mama who wanted to live life large - by stooping ever lower, and by finding joy wherever...

May they read on the pages of our lives lived together a tapestry of grace...
...a list miles long of "I'm sorry's" and of "I forgive you's."
...of "I love you's," and of "I really, really like you, too!"

May they never doubt our love for them...and may the lessons that they really learn and take away be the ones that are the most important, anyway.  May God's grace cover the multitude of their Mama and their Daddy's flaws...and may they remember a rich and sacred childhood - one with Jesus woven everywhere.

May they remember my "yes's" far more than my "no's."
And may we - all together - live life loud, and full -- bold and crazy in love with each other and with Jesus!
May we slow...
Might we see....

All of that sacred that lives right in the midst of all of the crazy chaos that makes up our days...
Our beautiful days of messy and of glory....

And when all is said and done.... in those few short years down the road...
Might we be able to do what our friends did so beautifully on that night just a few evening's back....

Might we "laugh that we lived and dance that we dared and inhale that it all happened....and it all was grace."
~ Ann Voskamp

When you Lived an Adventure Experiment...

So.  Here we go again.
We are gearing up for move #9 in 15 years....
I am becoming a professional.
And God is once again, always and forever, proving Himself Faithful at every turn...

All along we planned to stay here for about 18 months, but now at month 13, the Lord has opened up a sweet little house in the country for us to rent.  The price is right, and I would much rather move in the fall than on the tail-end of winter, so we are moving forward....listening to His leading and preparing our hearts and our boys for another new chapter. This move will be the hardest for them, by far.  They will be leaving behind two soul-brothers, and a live-in Aunty and Uncle, as well.

 

Our mansion we've been living in for the past year.  We had the entire top floor.

I can barely even wrap my brain around the fact that we have lived this "glorified-dorm-life-married-with-kids-commune" experiment for an entire year.  And we have done it with crazy success, in my opinion.

Two entire families.
All with different jobs.  All with swirling schedules.  All of us trying to Homeschool.
SIX hooligan boys and one crazy baby girl between us.
But, only 2 broken bones and 7 stitches between 3 boys - and none of these accidents anybody else's fault.
Praise Jesus...

Five boys.  Count them. And one large, blue alien.

Deep and true friendships.
Raw and real conversations.
Open honesty.  And Ruthless grace.

I would challenge any two families to do as well as the two of us have done this past year.
Seriously.

It takes a whole heck of a lot of humility to let others see you for who you REALLY are - no false pretenses, no facade, no walls....just broken, messed up you....trying to live life out the best you can.  But knowing that always and forever - no matter what - you have each other's back.  Even during the messy.

Especially during the messy....

Theirs and ours.

These friends have put up with my chickens roosting for the night in the open windows of their car, and chicken poop all over the porch - despite my best attempts.  Night after night and morning after morning, they have listened to crazy CRAZY loud upstairs neighbors who wake up at zero dark thirty every. single. day, and have listened to fussy baby girls sleeping directly above them for multiple nights on end.  They've had to kick my ducks out of their garage and swerve to miss all of my chickens as they drive out of the dooryard for work each day.  They have loved on a whirling dervish baby who always breaks into their bedroom and steals their chocolate; and almost every single time we asked them to babysit - with the promise that London was down for good for the night so there's absolutely nothing you need to do - we would come home to Charlie holding her, with a bleary-eyed smile on his face, saying that she'd had a pretty rough night.

Exhibit one out of at LEAST ten probably.  I kind of lost count.

There has been no judgment with their friend who hates change, and who got all panicky when they re-arranged their own house.  (Sorry about that one).  They nodded and smiled at their immature neighbors who occasionally liked to pull a prank or two here and there....they rolled with crack of dawn texts to borrow the spare car to get to church on time....and they were gracious when a puppy dog boy broke a cherished vase from a passed away Grammy.  They didn't get frustrated when one of mine shot a groundhog that they enjoyed watching from the window....and they didn't freak out when another one of mine caused their boy - on his very first day of learning to ride a two wheel bike - to take the digger of the century because of an enthusiastic "ride beside."  And that's just the tip of the iceberg.  Truly.

Our boys are giants.  And they live life wild.  They are loud.  And they sometimes lack the common sense to think before they act, or to look before they leap.  They talk incessantly, and meal times are a bit of a circus. Their boys are a little more cautious.  And they live life a wee bit more smartly than mine do.  They know how to be quiet, and they know how to sit still for longer than two minutes.  Methinks once our "pack of wolves" has moved on, these guys will be shocked at the semblance of sanity and order that will once again take over their Homestead.  I think they've probably forgotten how it once was....

Aunty Shandy....who gave London her first taste of popsicle AND of chocolate.

These friends have lived with an insane amount of LOUD and CHAOS....and 365+ days of living and LIFE that comes with meshing two families of ten.

And they have done it with grace.
And with dignity.
With love that has overflowed--that kind of a blood brother and sister love-- from the very depths of their hearts.

Our boys making a Family Supper in the kitchen.

We are a lot to handle....
And they just took on all of it.
They have blessed.
And they have given freely and fully from their overflow...even when there was no overflow to give from.

"Stooping It" with Shandy.  My favorite times.  Coffee on the porch while the kids ran wild and free.

Our hearts will be forever knit, and our souls will be forever bound.
Our friendship will be forever strong.
And our children will be forever bonded....
What an Epic-ly, AMAZING experiment this has been!
What a memory we will have to always look back upon with fondness and Happiness....

This we do. And This we did with each other....

I pray that we were just a fraction of the blessing to you that you four were to us....
To the next Chapter of the Journey, dear Ones.
May God bless you richly and deeply -- abundantly above and beyond all that you can ever ask for or imagine because of your deep kindness to us....

How we love you.

When You Need to be Reminded...

Thursdays are the days I count my Joys.
I try to do this all the other days of the week as well.  It's just harder when I'm racing.

Summer's Last Hurrah.  Our final trip to Bar Harbor for the season.  We had the place to ourselves.

On Thursday, I don't have to be anywhere, and there is no schedule but my own.
It's Thursday where I begin to feel human again, and I remember to slow and savor.

Thursday is my Sabbath.

Thursdays are the days where I fill my tank with HOME.
Days are filled with making applesauce, and with conquering the growing mountain of laundry...
Days of cleaning toilets, tidying rooms, and maybe actually making an honest to goodness meal.
Thursdays, I live in my cozy clothes, and the boys and I do school on the front steps outside.
We ride our bikes up and down the driveway, and we cook and bake together in the kitchen.
On Thursday I am reminded of all of the sacred that lives in the midst of all of the chaos.

I don't ever want to be too busy to do this...to see this...and there are days where I feel as though I am right on the edge of blindness.  One of the reasons why we chose to homeschool our kids was to maintain a simplicity in our lives.  I don't want to be a slave to other people's schedules, and I refuse to live in the car. At least for a few more years.

And there are SO many good things out there - so many great things - that we could all be involved in.
Myself included.
Soccer, basketball, AWANA, swim, boy scouts etc. for the boys...
Worship team, small group parenting classes at church, nights out with the girls to scrapbook for me.
All good.
And all things that my heart longs to do - and even sometimes feels frustrated that I can't right now.

But for me, for right now, it's just not the time.
Not yet.

A friend who is pregnant with her sixth baby boy quoted a verse from the Bible that read: "It is not for King's to drink wine...." meaning: drinking wine is not bad in and of itself, but it's not for a King to be doing while he is on duty.  He needs to be on his game, and he needs to be good at what he does at all times.  His mind should be clear and his focus should be sharp.

This friend connected the dots to motherhood and the seasons and responsibilities that come with this stage of parenting and life.  For me, for right now - it is not for Amy to add anything to her plate.  It is not for Amy to live her life so full that "all her busy rushing ends in nothing."  It is not for me to leave zero God-space where I wouldn't be able to hear Him if I tried, and where if He asked me to let someone into my days or to do something for someone on the fly it would be far too much of a headache to remove Life off of my agenda for the day.

For right now, it IS for Amy to mother her children well.  It IS my responsibility to bring learning into their days, and to teach them well.  It IS my responsibility to do my absolute best during my three supper shifts at work and to be Christ to my co-workers.  It IS for me to get to Friday co-op on time, to love on as many kids as possible, and to connect with those other Mama friends for those few short hours of Crazy.  This season - this "right now" season of time - IS for me to sit in the service beside my brother in law and to worship from the seats and not from the stage.  It IS the season for me to finish our year here well with our housemates, and to love their two boys as my own. This is the time - this right now whirling and swirling crazy messy beautiful time of loud and living that is our children - IS the time for me to stay connected with my husband and to keep his home a haven.

For right now, this is my portion.
And because of that, this right now season of time is for saying a few more "no's" so that that the things I have said "yes" to can be done with excellence.  (Or at least with flailing-ly noble attempts)...

This is not the season to live my every day harried and pulled completely taut.
If we pass like ships in the night already as it is - it is not the season to add more wind to our sails.
If I want to be intentional with the ones whom I love - it is not the season to refuse them any God space in my day or to tell them time after time "I'm sorry, there just isn't any room for you."

It's the season for weighing and for counting the cost.
For assessing and for re-assessing.  And for bringing the kids along for the ride.
Do you want to play soccer?  Okay, then we may not play basketball.
Do you want to go to AWANA? Okay, then we may not do swim.
Do I want to be home more evenings than not with my babies?  Okay, then maybe I won't help lead worship.
Do I want to enjoy my kids and not view them as interruptions? Okay, then all of the extras will need to go on hold for a time.

For a season...

But because "Childhood is a Journey, and not a Race" .... it is not for me to try and be Superwoman.
It is not for me to try and "win" at everything else outside of my HOME.
Because childhood is a Journey...it is a season for pacing myself, for savoring the simple, and for saying no to the tyranny of the urgent.

After all, I'm the queen of this castle already.
At least on Thursdays...

Making Memories.

We are - all six of us - nature Lovers.

We love to be outside.
We love to go on adventures.
And we love to explore the Great Outdoors.

A sweet hike with a mountain on top of the trail.

As a kid growing up, whilst all of my friends were going to Disney for their school vacations, we stayed at the infamous Hunting Camp in the middle of the Haynesville woods for our vacation - where skunks were known to wander up through the holes in the floorboards in the middle of the night, where spiders the size of my fist lived in the outhouse, and where bonfires were built with flames that shot up higher than our tents.

It was Epic.
And every single one of us loved it.

All of Dad's brothers and their kids came along for these vacations.  Our cousins were our siblings, and these vacations were absolutely lived for. We would canoe the river - rain or shine - with 5 gallon pickle buckets as our chairs and with trash bags as our rain coats.  The river was our shower, and the Great Outdoors was our source of entertainment.  In the winter time, everyone drove beater snowmobiles, and if it was freezing, Dad wrapped my sleigh up in plastic and pricked pinholes all around it so that I could breathe.

I remember canoeing the Allagash one summer where moose sightings became the norm and where we lost count after the first couple of days.  I can remember getting caught out the lake in the middle of a crazy lightning storm, so Dad rushed us to shore where we broke into some guy's outhouse to wait out the rain! With all five of us cramped into that itty bitty room, my brother Clay reached up and found the camp key - we let ourselves in until the rain subsided - and then we left a note with our address confessing what we had done. Weeks later, we received a letter back with an invitation to come and visit any time we were up in that area again!  This is the culture of my people.  We would have LOVED learning that our camp was a source of safety and a haven for someone caught in a storm!

Never once - in all of my growing up years - did I wish for Disney.
Never once - did I feel like I was missing out.  My entire world was an amusement park!
My childhood was rich, and my memories run deep.

Blueberries on top of the trail.

While the big boys rigged up homemade fishing lines (and caught nothing), the Littles and I had a feast.

From the time we were young, we would target practice and skeet shoot with the dad's and the uncles, and I loved every bit of it.  The boys hunted squirrels when they were still in the single digits, and a bb gun was one of the earliest gifts ever requested. I remember when my cousin shot her very first partridge, and my Uncle called her the "Queen for the Day." And I can remember the only time my Dad ever yelled at me was when I aimlessly walked in front of all of the boys who were shooting.  He scared me terrified, and then he held me close, and never again was I careless in front of the firearms.

I can remember waking up in my tent with my cousin Nicki during a rainstorm - and literally floating in water from a leak that must have sprung.  Mom bundled us up in winter jackets and we spent the rest of the night in the truck with the heater running.  I can remember finding a pile of dried up deer poop and putting a piece of it on each of the boy's pillows in their tent....only to find out at bedtime that their retaliation involved fistfuls of the stuff throughout our entire sleeping bags!  I remember my Uncle Phil's Hank William's music always playing in the background, and the stories that both he and Uncle Keith would tell around the fires at nighttime.

This is the richness of childhood that I am trying to instill into my children...(minus the deer poop)...
These are the memories that I am trying to create.
And, for the most part, it doesn't cost a dime.
Just a little bit of effort and imagination.

It's about being intentional, and it's about making our own traditions.
This is the kind of HAPPY that I want my own kids to remember.

Setting up homemade targets for target practicing.

Even now, when my boys go up and spend a week with my parents each summer - those seven to ten days are the highlight of their year.  My parents know about being intentional.  They know about instilling traditions.

They work on crazy projects, and Dad has them pile wood.

 They sleep out back in Dad's cabin, they set raccoon and skunk traps, and every day is an adventure.  Kaden drives his own 4-wheeler, and Dad has wagons attached to the back with bus seats welded down, so that our entire family can go on Beverly Hillbilly adventures all together!

Every single one of my babies - from birth - has been lulled to sleep on the back of one of those 4-wheelers, strapped tight to my chest, all cuddled in while we explored for hours.  Four wheeling with my family is still one of my deepest joys, and it is one of the things that soothes my soul the most.

Simple times with Family that we love.
Being outside.
Going offline.
Making memories....and Just Being.

Well, helloooo photo bombers...

These are the Days....

For my parents, I am deeply grateful.
And for my Husband - my partner on this whole Journey of Crazy, and most often the brains behind our adventures - I am thankful.

Filled to overflowing...

Year Five.

So.
We started school this week.
And we have survived to tell the tale.

While it's true that money can't buy Happiness...it CAN buy Chinese Food...which is almost the same thing.

Saying that we "thrived" might be a little bit too generous of a description for our first week of school, but we made it through most of the material with all of our sanity and hair still in tact - and that's a success story in my book.

I think it's because we kicked off the new year with a celebration supper of Chinese food the night before.
We are all about the food.
And nothing says: "Let's hit the books!!" like good ole' General Tso's...

My school shelves.  I heart them.  Top row is mine. 2nd row is Kaden's 4th grade stuff.
3rd row is Jesse's 1st grade stuff.  4th row is Ransom's Pre-school stuff.
Bottom row is books, books, books!  And globe.
Floor is...I don't want to talk about it.

All four school years previous to this one, I started out Enthusiastic!!  Excited!! And Ready-to-Conquer-the-World!!!  I've been ready to kill it, and I have felt pretty much on top of my game.  (Well, except for maybe last year when London was brand new and we moved into our new place the very night before.  Last year might have looked a little bit like Survivor, too, come to think of it...)

Our schoolroom/boys' bedroom.  With a happy tablecloth on the table and a happy, fun, first-day-of-school breakfast.

Anyway....this year, I felt a little more like:  Tired!!  Overwhelmed!!  Holy Crap - it's Time Already?!?!?! And, my personal favorite:   I have a Wild Child Whirling Dervish Toddler....How the HECK am I going to pull this off??!

Any newbie (or oldie, for that matter) homeschooling friends out there who want to feel amazing about themselves and their new undertakings...you have a standing invite to come spend a day with me and my Hoolies.  I promise you will go home feeling like a Rockstar.  It's the least I can do....

Why, before we were even halfway into our very first hour, sweet Lady-like London Child threw not one, not two, but THREE rolls of toilet paper into the flush AND about 15 of Ransom's matchbox cars - with astonishing speed and agility, might I add - all the way down our flight of stairs.  Her box of raisins projectiled themselves ALL over the living room, and she screamed like a banshee when she didn't get her way.

A huge, full-sized chalkboard gift from my Daddy-O from MY old highschool.

I must have looked like I was about ready to throw myself down the staircase right along with all of Ransom's cars, because before Kev walked out the door to work, he took me by the shoulders and said:  "It's not always going to be like this.  You know that, right?!  It's going to get better!"

..............said the man who got to drive to work in a blessedly silent car all by himself..............

Halfway through our day, we found our rhythm.
And we had pizza for lunch.  With the Cosby show.  Again, the food....Happiness.
Things could only go better from there, right?
Things could only look up?!

And they did.  Honestly.
Bill Cosby, pizza, and deep, cleansing breaths.  They do the body good.

And we are learning together again...this thing called Life, and these days called Crazy.

I always like to start my kids a good week before the rest of the school systems start back to school.
I think it's all psychological.
I want to feel like I'm ahead., and I want to give us a few days to find our rhythms.
....And to remind the boys to Always.  Shut.  The.  Bathroom.  Door.  Or.   Else.....

Ransom's little "school kit."  Just a hodge podge of workbooks and odds and ends - mostly from the Target dollar aisles.

I think this entire Homeschooling Journey is so very much like every other Journey I have been on in the course of my wee little life.  There are so. many. things. that I said I would never. ever. do.  It's almost funny, really.  Except that it isn't.

Let's just make a little list for funsies, shall we?  Things like:
I will never marry a pastor.
I will never live in a city.
I will never ever homeschool my children.
I will never raise support to be a missionary.
After we were out of ministry for awhile:  I will never go back into ministry.
I will never live with friends.
I don't ever want a girl to add to my collection.

To name a few....
Check Baby.  Check Baby.  One, two, three....ten.

There are perks to having your classroom in your bedroom. 

Anyway, Life is funny with all of its twists and turns.

Never in a million years, would I have ever seen myself doing what I am doing now.  And loving it - or most of it, most days - even.  Four kids - when I never really even wanted any in the beginning!  Homeschooling - when I always believed that only weird people homeschooled their kids!  And stretching and growing....and learning...and being humbled at every twist and turn.  But getting to walk this journey with my kids and having them want to walk it with me!  It's really, pretty amazing.

And I honestly - deeply believe - that, at least for now.....this is what I was made for!  This is my highest calling - being a mother to these four gifts that are mine just on loan - and that I get to do this....weak, tired, broken, reckless, such as I am ME...I have been entrusted with these kids!

And not for a second do I believe that homeschooling is for everyone.  Nor for even a millisecond do I believe that I am the world's best teacher.  Holy Hannah.  Beeelieeeeeeve me.....there's not a doubt in my mind about that one.  But this is the path for us right now, and childhood is fleeting so I am trying to soak every bit of it in.

And I am confident that God's grace in me will cover over a multitude of my mistakes and ineptness.
And so I humbly accept this challenge for one more year...

Insert cute picture that has NOTHING to do with my blog post.

So ~
Here's to the ride, Boys!  To another year!
Here's to days of Insanity and days of pure Awesome.
Here's to school in our P.J.'s and to Ipod jam sessions while we work.
Here's to having your sister crawl all over you while you try to read, and here's to hot cups of coffee all around.
Here's to days where your Mama is full of Jesus and to days where she has to apologize 8 million times.
Here's to laying on your bed while you do Math and to early morning basketball matches.
Here's to learning together...and to helping each other grow.
Here's to - hopefully - Character over Curriculum....
And Here's to another year of trusting.  Of loving - deep, and raw, and real.

And here's to Listening....to the ONE whom Life is all about in the first place.....

I Still Do...

Just a few nights ago...

There were 18 of us...9 little couples...with a tapestry of stories.
And we all held hands, and we all gazed deep...
And we did it again.

Hydrangea...they mean "perseverance."

We said:  "I still do...and I always will."
With God as my witness, I vow this forever.

And we cried again
Fifteen years, and four babies, and eight moves, and countless jobs, and millions of memories, and thousands of laughs, and hundreds of heartaches later....we cried again.

And we said:  "Always and forever.  No. Matter. What."
And the husbands led their wives in communion.

Because it's good to remember all that's been broken and all that's been redeemed.
It's good to look back...
To see the "us" that was fifteen years ago, and the "us" that is Today.
Older.  Wiser.  Stronger.  Deeper.  And so very deeply in love with each other....
It's good to celebrate...and it's important to Renew.

And it's good to recognize that it's all because of Jesus...

I think it would be awesome to renew every single Anniversary!
It's one more year where we've made it!
One more year where we have beaten the statistics...and where we have won - over all that's out there that seeks to divide and destroy.  We have loved and we have learned.  We have built into and we have built up. We have made mistakes and we have said a million "I'm sorry's."  And we have done it over and over again for fifteen years....

Beautiful, homemade cakes with edible flowers...

Fifteen years of sharing the same bed.
Fifteen years of Him choosing me...and only me...day after day after day.  And of me doing the same.
Fifteen years of taking care of each other when we are sick.
Of learning together - this thing called Parenthood.
Of teamwork, and of being each other's Number One Fan.
Because - man, even if there's no-one else in my corner standing with me - he always is.  No matter what.
And he gets that same loyalty from me....
Fifteen years of babies and of moving...of job changes and of Life.
And fifteen years of walking alongside, hand in hand, and loving deep and raw and real....
Through it All...

And you know what "they" say....
"They" say that a recipe for a great relationship is serious stability with a good dose of spontaneity.
I like this recipe.
And I surely have this recipe in Kevin Scott Booker.
This man - he keeps me on my toes.  But I am rooted deeply IN him.

I've said it a thousand times that I will follow him to the Ends of the Earth...and I pretty much have.
Me - I am a root digger.
Him - he is a nomad.

Me - I like predictability, and I really hate change.
Him - He likes things spicy, and he's a mover and a shaker.

Me - I am practical.
Him - He thinks WAY outside the box.

But us?
Somehow we work.
And I really really Really like us.....

And so once again ~
I surrender to the high call of being your covenant wife.
God has given you to me as a precious gift, and I receive you.
I will love you, serve you, and cherish you with my words and my actions.
I will treat you with respect as I would the Lord.
I will sensitively and diligently meet your needs and the needs of our family in a sacrificial manner, according to the model of Jesus Christ.
I commit to sexual purity and to keep myself unto you alone so long as we both shall life.
I surrender my selfish rights and assume my full responsibilities.
In spite of circumstances or emotions, as I stand against any person or force that would come to divide us, I will love you until death separates us.
I will not turn my heart away from you because of anger, difficult times, laziness, the distraction of other demands, desires, or anything else.
I will work on our marriage and seek to grow as a wife and a woman of God.
With God as my witness, I vow to be your covenant wife.

 (source unknown)

So long as they both shall live....