Advent.

So, December...
You're here and it's almost Christmas.
Not quite sure how it happened - and guaranteed, I'm not feeling ready for you.

Kaden got the honor of choosing the tree this year.

We just put up our tree and decorated it -  yesterday morning at 6:00 a.m. to be exact - because that's the only time all six of us will be together until the weekend.  We have just begun our Christmas shopping... and I feel like I am just coming up for air after a good, strong 18 months of almost drowning...

I am a Mama tired most days.
And I am a woman overwhelmed all the others.

Many many mornings I wake up with nothing to give and with five sweet souls needing me Present.
And aware.
Awake would be awesome, too.

Jesse got the honor of putting on the star.

London is my alarm - crying loud at 5:00 a.m. or before, and the instant my eyes shock awake, my nerves fray taut, and my temper flares.  It's not my favorite way to start my days -- frazzled before I even roll out of bed.  I like to start my day silent - a strong hour before anyone in the house even stirs. I want a strong pot cup of coffee flowing through my veins before I slip into the Mama mode that will last until nightfall.  I want time to sit, to be still, and to orient my eyeballs and my brain before the day begins.

And so I am frustrated right along with being frazzled.

And guaranteed, if I don't like the woman looking back at me in the mirror, my loved ones around me probably aren't digging this version of me, either....

This reminder in my living room is much needed.

I want more.
So when Advent rolls in all quiet and unassuming - but begging us to slow and savor - to be still and be present...to focus on what this season of whirling and swirling madness is really all about anyway...I am asking Jesus right along with the blind beggar to help me see Him.  For real, this year, Lord -- let me see You.

You claim the wandering, and the wondering - the wounded as Yours.
That's me this Christmas season.
You have grafted me into Your heritage, and Your story - You have written me into Your heart.
I need that reminder this Christmas.
Show me, Lord...

My most favorite Christmas decoration.

During this season of Advent, You have given us this gift of time to wait...and to countdown...to help us stay awake and to not miss You.  That's what I need this Christmas season.  More than ever, I need to be reminded.  Advent - it is made of the moments, the slow unfurling of grace...

Oh how I need that slow unfurling right to the depths of my soul...

It's a good thing she's cute...

And so...
While I have never been more tired, and when I have never felt so busy...
In a season where I feel as though I have nothing left to give, and where I can't even catch my breath...
What I also know is that I don't need more time...
 I need a better use of it.

And while I dream of uninterrupted nights of much needed sleep...
I can't remember the last time I cracked open my Bible...
And when I can't hear His still, small voice for all of the Crazy that's swirling around me...
...and for all of the cobwebs that live in my brain...

I know that I need Him.
I need Him more than I need my sleep.

Christmas tree decorating breakfast.

So, when London awakes for the day, I get up too.
I turn on a flashlight for her in her crib, and I give her a snack and some toys.
I shut her door, and I brew some coffee.
And while the rest of the house sleeps...He meets me where I am at.

And He reminds me...

That He will provide His grace for the gaps.
He will give it where mine is depleted.
He will give His joy where I cannot find my own.
And He will fill to overflowing...
Because He is faithful.

Time with Grammy fills in the gaps, as well...

And Advent is the perfect time to be reminded.

"He comes to us not in spite of our failings - but precisely because of them.  Ours is the God who is drawn to those who feel down.  Ours is the God who is attracted to those who feel abandoned.  Ours is the God who is bound to those who feel broken.  This is grace.  This is reason to slow.  And this is the dream that comes true - that makes all the stressed things come untrue:  the real amazing dream is that there is [nothing I can do] to climb up to God, because Christ came down to get me.

This is the hallowed Here...
Hurry always empties the soul.
Jesus is my ladder who hung on that Tree...so that I can have the gift of rest.
The work at the very heart of salvation is the work of the very heart of Christmas:  simply rest.

Here is Holy." ~ Ann Voskamp

Love came down to help us in our helplessness.
What a great place to be.
That's always worth getting up for in the morning.

Emptied to be filled, I am...
Joy restored.
Peace overflowing.
Grace to meet each day.

...Because His mercies are new every morning...

Cease striving.
Be still.
Know that He is God.