Slowing and Seeing.

Thank you so much - to all of our dear friends and family - for your sweet words of congratulations and encouragement - both here on my blog and also over on Facebook these past few days.  Thank you for sharing in our joy with us and for the sweet bolster in confidence for this Mama who is still feeling a wee bit "un"-confident and slightly vulnerable.  But, I am also very humbled and honored.

These feelings are very reminiscent of the ones I had when Kaden was first born eight years ago.  I did not feel ready to be a mother, I felt like a fraud, and I wondered, back then, if everyone could see right through me.  And I can so very clearly remember my defining moment on the day of his birth when he was crying in somebody else's arms, and they said:  "Ohhh.  He needs his Mommy."  In that moment, my insides froze, and I thought to myself:  "This is it.  Here and now is where the world is going to see that I make every single baby I ever hold cry...and it's going to be no different with my own."  But, the moment she placed that sweet little baby into my arms, he locked eyes with mine, and he instantly stopped his tears.  And I was forever changed.  I thought, "Well, maybe I'm going to be able to do this Mama thing, after all."

Defining moments.  Moments where we walk into the unknown completely unprepared and unsure.  Moments where we are more aware of our own faults and our flaws like no other times before...but also moments where we are once again reminded that it's not about us in the first place, and it never really was to begin with.  God has entrusted this little life into my hands for a time, and I trust that He knows what He's doing.

And I am beyond thankful for this gift.  In this time where there is so much sadness and pain swirling around us, I am very much aware of the Mama's with the oh so sick babies, and the Mama's with the buried babies....and of the women who are dying to be Mamas.  This leaves me feeling so very tender and protective, so very sentimental, and so very much in awe that we have been given this little spark of joy.

And tomboys all the world over have been having baby girls for centuries - with the results turning out just fine.  And Mamas all the world over have been having 4+ kids, and surviving - even thriving - with at least a few of their nerves still intact, right?  Can I get a witness?  And I am growing as a mother and as a person who likes control...and minimal chaos...and things my own way, as well.  I'm learning what mountains to die on, what doesn't really matter in the long run, and that perfection is just an illusion.

It's good.  It's all so very good.
And we see the sacred amidst the chaos...

"Gratitude bestows reverence, allowing us to encounter everyday epiphanies, those transcendent moments of awe that change forever how we experience life and the world." 

~ Sarah Ban Breathnach