Thinking, thinking, thinking.....

Sometimes my wee little pea brain just starts to go crazy with ideas and thoughts on life and parenting and being purposeful and intentional and "Am I doing a good job?" thoughts and "Am I doing enough?" questions and etc. etc. etc....

As of late, I am having lots of serious thoughts and ponderings mostly about this whole crazy responsibility of parenting my boys. I am this weird mix of one part of me wanting to be loosy-goosy, let's-just-have-fun and not be too serious and then the other part of me thinking that maybe-I-should-be-way-more-purposeful-and-intentional-in-ALL-that-I-am-doing with the kids. Kind of like how I was in school. I didn't take a lot of life too seriously and always wanted to be where the action was, yet I was super anal retentive when it came to my classes and my studies, and I demanded perfection from myself when it came to my grades. Kind of a weird combo.

I think that's what is playing out in my thoughts as of late. Sometimes I honestly, seriously toy with the idea of homeschooling my kids. I love the philosophy behind it and I stand by it; yet, this is something that I never in a million years dreamed that I would EVER want to do. I'm not sure if I could even stay structured enough to ensure that my kids were educated properly! Yet, as the time gets closer for Kaden to go to school, I'm not loving the idea of other people getting him for more hours of the day - actually his BEST hours of the day - than I do. I still have time, so I continue to process....

On a smaller scale, today I was reading Kaden some books from the library - just some fun and silly books - and then I got to wondering if I should just be reading him only Christian books, and "maybe I shouldn't read him the Polar Express because it's about Santa and we don't really do Santa in our family." And maybe while Jesse is sleeping we should be doing something that is educational. And I probably should have given him some carrot sticks for a snack instead of that handful of swedish fish. And what about this? Or how about that?

I guess the bottom line is balance. It is so easy to be influenced by other people and by things that I read or by things that others do. It's so easy to compare and judge and feel insecure and get all stressed! I think that an even true-er bottom line is doing what is right for your own family! What Kev and I may choose to do in our relationship and with our children may never work for yours and may not even be good for yours! No matter how big or how small something may be. There's freedom in that, eh?

My friend has a quote on her fridge that says: "Comparison destroys contentment." Man - so so true. Especially for women - I think that is something that many of us struggle with. I know that I do! But when I just let go of my insecurities and give them to the Lord - trusting that He will show me what He wants to do with my family and with my life - then I can rest, and I can just live and LOVE my boys.

And in living and loving and trusting my Savior for His wisdom and grace - I really do end up being intentional and purposeful in my mothering. That kind of takes the stress out of my ponderings. It also takes the comparing factor away, as well; because then my eyes are fixed on the Author and finisher of my faith rather than on other people and circumstances and such. He alone I desire to honor and He alone I desire to please. And as a result of looking to Him alone, it also takes the legalism factor out of life, which I really really love. Grace and truth, Baby.

Wow - rambly, I know. I kind of just went all around Robin Hood's barn, as my Mother likes to say. Maybe it didn't make sense to any of you, but it makes good sense to me. Enough of this seriousness for one Saturday. I need to go find my Kaden and eat a handful of M&M's with him while reading something mindless and perfectly silly......

A happy, rainy Saturday to you, my friends!