Learning to Slow Down

Again. Will I ever get this down?

Warning: Long and rambly post ahead. Feel free to skim! But, if you REALLY love me, you'll read every word.....:0)

I feel like all I am constantly doing lately is assessing and reassessing life. Since Jesse has entered our world, it seems like we have just been living in one big whirlwind, and I have just been hanging on for dear life trying to savor the ride but trying to still stay one step ahead of the game, as well.

For some reason, (okay for several) this past year has probably been the absolute craziest of our entire marriage. Between grad school for Kev, me finishing up my Bachelor's Degree, Jesse's birth and fussiness the first half of his life, losing our support system with all of our friends leaving, multiple little side jobs for the both of us, and then Jesse getting burned...sometimes we have felt like we can hardly take the time to breathe.

SO - this past week I got done one of my babysitting jobs. Doesn't sound like much, and financially, it's probably not the wisest move, but for the sake of my sanity and for the sake of my boys so that I can be a better mommy, it's what we've decided to do. And it's been a good move.

Kev and I always go into Kaden's room right before we go to bed and we'll often lay down beside him and scratch his back, or just look at him and talk about him, or - Kev's personal favorite....he'll try to make Kaden laugh in his sleep by saying all kinds of super dumb things. Kaden is SUCH a deep sleeper, we can dress him and undress him, and he doesn't have a clue! So, it's fun to try to mess with his head while he's so far gone! Anyway, a couple of nights ago after leaving his room, I just got totally weepy! Here is this huge kid with these legs that practically reach the foot of the bed who is becoming so independent and big. I just had one of those moments where I was like: "Where has his babyhood gone? Kaden is a little BOY now!" And Jesse is almost ONE already! WHAT IS UP WITH THAT? HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

And it just hit me so hard!

I got to thinking about this past year and how crazy life has been. I have tried so hard to savor him every step of the way; and I've tried to be intentional about having alone time with JUST him - talking to him, playing with him, and doing what HE loves. But I wonder if I could have done more. If I could have savored him just a tiny bit more. I know that I'm a good mom, and I know that my boys will NEVER question my love for them, but it's so easy to allow time to slip through your fingers. One day, you kind of wake up and realize that almost another whole year has passed. It's crazy!

I never in a MILLION years thought that I would be "one of those mothers" who would cry when their kids went to school on their first day. I pictured myself enjoying my newfound independence and throwing myself back into the things that I used to love but had let fall by the wayside during the childrearing years! There was a part of me that honestly wondered if I was even cut out for motherhood, and for many a year I had NO desire to join the ranks of millions of other diaper bag toting, snot and spit up covered, howling child holding mommies! Nothing about that even appealed to me! But - holy dyin - motherhood has done something to me. I love these kids so much, it is sometimes physically painful!

I love this quote that I found a couple of years ago. I have it in both of my boy's baby books:

"Making the decision to have a child - it's momentous! It is to decide FOREVER to have your heart go walking around outside your body." - Elizabeth Stone

Isn't that good? And OH SO true! So, anyway - after being all blubbery to Kev, I am - once again - stepping back, reassessing, and seeing where I can slow down and savor a little bit more in my life. It's not like I'm super crazy or anything, I just know when things start to feel a little crowded and I start to feel a little frazzled and I forget. It was really only one little moment with my sleeping little boy, but it was good for me. It was enough. So, there's the reason for me getting done babysitting. And today I let the laundry and the dishes fall by the wayside and we just played.