Advent.

So, December...
You're here and it's almost Christmas.
Not quite sure how it happened - and guaranteed, I'm not feeling ready for you.

Kaden got the honor of choosing the tree this year.

We just put up our tree and decorated it -  yesterday morning at 6:00 a.m. to be exact - because that's the only time all six of us will be together until the weekend.  We have just begun our Christmas shopping... and I feel like I am just coming up for air after a good, strong 18 months of almost drowning...

I am a Mama tired most days.
And I am a woman overwhelmed all the others.

Many many mornings I wake up with nothing to give and with five sweet souls needing me Present.
And aware.
Awake would be awesome, too.

Jesse got the honor of putting on the star.

London is my alarm - crying loud at 5:00 a.m. or before, and the instant my eyes shock awake, my nerves fray taut, and my temper flares.  It's not my favorite way to start my days -- frazzled before I even roll out of bed.  I like to start my day silent - a strong hour before anyone in the house even stirs. I want a strong pot cup of coffee flowing through my veins before I slip into the Mama mode that will last until nightfall.  I want time to sit, to be still, and to orient my eyeballs and my brain before the day begins.

And so I am frustrated right along with being frazzled.

And guaranteed, if I don't like the woman looking back at me in the mirror, my loved ones around me probably aren't digging this version of me, either....

This reminder in my living room is much needed.

I want more.
So when Advent rolls in all quiet and unassuming - but begging us to slow and savor - to be still and be present...to focus on what this season of whirling and swirling madness is really all about anyway...I am asking Jesus right along with the blind beggar to help me see Him.  For real, this year, Lord -- let me see You.

You claim the wandering, and the wondering - the wounded as Yours.
That's me this Christmas season.
You have grafted me into Your heritage, and Your story - You have written me into Your heart.
I need that reminder this Christmas.
Show me, Lord...

My most favorite Christmas decoration.

During this season of Advent, You have given us this gift of time to wait...and to countdown...to help us stay awake and to not miss You.  That's what I need this Christmas season.  More than ever, I need to be reminded.  Advent - it is made of the moments, the slow unfurling of grace...

Oh how I need that slow unfurling right to the depths of my soul...

It's a good thing she's cute...

And so...
While I have never been more tired, and when I have never felt so busy...
In a season where I feel as though I have nothing left to give, and where I can't even catch my breath...
What I also know is that I don't need more time...
 I need a better use of it.

And while I dream of uninterrupted nights of much needed sleep...
I can't remember the last time I cracked open my Bible...
And when I can't hear His still, small voice for all of the Crazy that's swirling around me...
...and for all of the cobwebs that live in my brain...

I know that I need Him.
I need Him more than I need my sleep.

Christmas tree decorating breakfast.

So, when London awakes for the day, I get up too.
I turn on a flashlight for her in her crib, and I give her a snack and some toys.
I shut her door, and I brew some coffee.
And while the rest of the house sleeps...He meets me where I am at.

And He reminds me...

That He will provide His grace for the gaps.
He will give it where mine is depleted.
He will give His joy where I cannot find my own.
And He will fill to overflowing...
Because He is faithful.

Time with Grammy fills in the gaps, as well...

And Advent is the perfect time to be reminded.

"He comes to us not in spite of our failings - but precisely because of them.  Ours is the God who is drawn to those who feel down.  Ours is the God who is attracted to those who feel abandoned.  Ours is the God who is bound to those who feel broken.  This is grace.  This is reason to slow.  And this is the dream that comes true - that makes all the stressed things come untrue:  the real amazing dream is that there is [nothing I can do] to climb up to God, because Christ came down to get me.

This is the hallowed Here...
Hurry always empties the soul.
Jesus is my ladder who hung on that Tree...so that I can have the gift of rest.
The work at the very heart of salvation is the work of the very heart of Christmas:  simply rest.

Here is Holy." ~ Ann Voskamp

Love came down to help us in our helplessness.
What a great place to be.
That's always worth getting up for in the morning.

Emptied to be filled, I am...
Joy restored.
Peace overflowing.
Grace to meet each day.

...Because His mercies are new every morning...

Cease striving.
Be still.
Know that He is God.

Journey, Continued....

Well ....
So, here we are two - or maybe three - months since my last blog post.

Move #9.  We are professionals.

We have been on a JOURNEY, I tell you.
Life has been Epic as of late.
Good epic - but insane Epic - nonetheless.
And I feel like I've lived inside a tornado for weeks.

Our new digs.

So, let's see here, my Loves.....
Since the whole point of this blog is to have it printed out at the end of every year into a hardcovered book for you all to have as a "journal" of your Mama's - and of our family's life -...and since, this next year's book will have ten or twelve weeks missing....here's a bullet point nutshell of the highlights.

Our sweet little backyard - overlooking a horse farm.

Since we last left our heroes ~
: Sir Rancey Pants turned the big five years old early last month.  (Crazy town).
: Kaden and Jesse were both baptized by their Daddy at church.  (Super special).
: Kaden has whirled into his first season of hunting with - at this present time - 5 partridge and 2 turkey slain.
: We have experienced our first blizzard of the season.  (Shoot me now).
: And we have moved into our own little house - all by ourselves - back out in God's Country.  (Speechless).

(THIS happend the weekend we planned to move.  Insanity).

Life has been busy.
And it's been unexpected.
It's been hairy.
It has been breathtaking, and crazy, and filled to overflowing with God's gifts and goodness galore...
...And I am just now able to sit down and really wrap my brain around all that has happened in this past little while.

Our living room with a window looking into the kitchen.
And two out of my four Hoolies playing the Wii.

 Several weeks back, I wrote about our Grand Social Experiment of Glorified Dorm Life Married with Children in which we have partaken of for the past thirteen or so months.  On my long list of many "nevers," one of the things that I had stood rock solid firm on was the fact that I would never ever live with friends.

Someday I shall learn to rip up said list...

"Just think of the havoc it could wreck on relationships should anything go south during an experiment such as this one!" said I.  "It can never be done!  We are too much for ANYone to handle!" Enter many meals of eating crow and God showing up in huge ways to show us this was a gift He had in store for us.  Enter these two crazies (who wrote such beautiful words here) who had the bravado enough to even suggest such an idea, and up went our house for sale and away we went on the ride of our lives for a good solid year.  Five boys, one baby girl, two mamas, two daddys, all under one roof - sharing meals...and laundry...and the kitchen....living Life...and sharing the messy that often comes with all of that.....Together.

Dear Ones....

We agreed to do this for 12-18 months.  Nobody had any real idea of what would come after this Adventure...but that's how we've tended to live out this marriage of ours, and it's also how God has seemed to like to walk with us.  And so we have learned to trust.  And to rest.  To wait.  To just be still and let Him have His way.  It's always good.  No matter how scary it may feel in the moments.  It's always good.  And it's always full of grace and unexpected gifts.

Our little dining area...the place where we live most.

Something that I said I would never ever do became a season of deep growth for me.  It was a year of letting go of "things" that I felt I needed to define me.  It was a year of stripping away and of obliterating any facades of perfection.  It was a year of living life humble, living life raw, living life as TEAM with another family; and it was a year of knitting souls together in such a way that those boys now feel like my own, and that couple is as blood to me.

My Happy Place.
Props to Angie for painting my cabinets.
Props to Rachael for painting my countertops and my kitchen walls.

I will forever remember this Chapter.
It has changed me.
And hopefully, for the better.

Enter old friends who live in a sweet little house in the country.  And enter a random text blasted out to us at 10:00 one evening with the words:  "Hey! The Bentley's are moving to Texas! Do you want to buy a house?!  We've leaving within a matter of days...we have our tickets bought...and this house is the last detail that needs to be worked out."

And one month later, here we are...

Our box spring would not fit into the room.  For now we sleep European style...
Props to Ruthie for stripping wallpaper.
Props to Lisa for edging and painting.

There are just way too many details to write about in one short blog post.  And the details don't matter to you boys right now...but someday they will.  Maybe someday you will need to be reminded that God cares about the little things.  That He is the Author of the details, and that He is the writer of all of our chapters.  He leads and we follow.  It's as simple as that.

After all....this life we are living is His-Story, anyway...

Our little hallway.  Doorway on the left is the Littles room.  Doorway on the right is ours.
Props to Kevy for hanging my pallet. I heart my pallet. I heart my hubby for hanging my pallet.
Props to Angie for doing some finish work on the walls going down to the basement.

And so here we are.
Once again, blessed beyond measure with hearts overflowing.
Ready for another Chapter.
Ready for another Ride...

The basement.  And the Hoolies play area.  And George the deer.
Props to Kevy for not hanging him over our bed.
Props to Angela and Angie's sweet girl for helping me paint the shelves.
Props to Rachael and Shandy for getting the shelves back up...and for not hating me too much in the process.

To our friends who blessed us beyond what words can express...
The ones we lived with...
The ones who painted, and primed...the ones who made meals...and the ones who moved my chicken coop in the dark...the ones who walked with us and prayed with us...the ones in Texas...and the ones who watched our babies for the hours and hours of painting and moving....

We thank you...

Props to Lisa for edging and painting.
Props to Rachael for bringing me sanity on the day we moved in.
And props to Lara for feeding us that night.

London and Ransom's room...
The Large One's sleep downstairs in a room off the basement.
I didn't post pictures because I gave them free reign to decorate...and, well...I like to take pictures of things that bring me joy...

Ransom sleeps like Rip Van Winkle.
London sleeps like a gnat.
This sleeping arrangement works out well....

And to the Greatest Gift Giver of them all....
The One who is able to bless exceedingly, abundantly, above and beyond all that we could ever ask for or imagine...once more, I am speechless.

Once more, You have proven Yourself faithful.
Once more, I stand in awe and humility...
And once again, I am thankful that You are the Author of this crazy life and not me, your kid....

To the Ends of the Earth I will follow You...
You and the man whom You gave to me to walk this awesome Journey....
Thank you for this Life...

A Different Kind of Labor Pain...

Dear friends married off their their youngest daughter the other day...
And right before my eyes - I witnessed it.
The closing of the chapter of childhood days forever gone in a beautiful rush of "I do's."

Weddings slay me.
They are such a mix of beauty and of pain - of letting go and of flying free.

And since motherhood is made up of childhood, there really is a painful beauty in watching those roles morph and change...of watching a different kind of labor pain take place right before your very eyes...and of watching the mother and father so beautifully open wide their hands...

....of the gift that was just on Loan in the first place...

And I am reminded once again that these days of whirling swirling chaos...
...this season of doing and doing and re-doing over and over again...
...these days of living life right down in the deep and muddy thick of it...

It's just a vapor...
Sometimes it's good to be reminded.

While the days may be long, this season is fleeting.
It is not forever.
Not by a long shot...
And I don't want to wish years away.

One day, I will blink, and that will be me - standing in front of many - watching my sons and my daughter start a brand new chapter of their lives while one of my own closes shut.

So, may I not spend these fleeting days of my children's life on fleeting things...
May they see in me - a Mama who wanted to live life large - by stooping ever lower, and by finding joy wherever...

May they read on the pages of our lives lived together a tapestry of grace...
...a list miles long of "I'm sorry's" and of "I forgive you's."
...of "I love you's," and of "I really, really like you, too!"

May they never doubt our love for them...and may the lessons that they really learn and take away be the ones that are the most important, anyway.  May God's grace cover the multitude of their Mama and their Daddy's flaws...and may they remember a rich and sacred childhood - one with Jesus woven everywhere.

May they remember my "yes's" far more than my "no's."
And may we - all together - live life loud, and full -- bold and crazy in love with each other and with Jesus!
May we slow...
Might we see....

All of that sacred that lives right in the midst of all of the crazy chaos that makes up our days...
Our beautiful days of messy and of glory....

And when all is said and done.... in those few short years down the road...
Might we be able to do what our friends did so beautifully on that night just a few evening's back....

Might we "laugh that we lived and dance that we dared and inhale that it all happened....and it all was grace."
~ Ann Voskamp

When you Lived an Adventure Experiment...

So.  Here we go again.
We are gearing up for move #9 in 15 years....
I am becoming a professional.
And God is once again, always and forever, proving Himself Faithful at every turn...

All along we planned to stay here for about 18 months, but now at month 13, the Lord has opened up a sweet little house in the country for us to rent.  The price is right, and I would much rather move in the fall than on the tail-end of winter, so we are moving forward....listening to His leading and preparing our hearts and our boys for another new chapter. This move will be the hardest for them, by far.  They will be leaving behind two soul-brothers, and a live-in Aunty and Uncle, as well.

 

Our mansion we've been living in for the past year.  We had the entire top floor.

I can barely even wrap my brain around the fact that we have lived this "glorified-dorm-life-married-with-kids-commune" experiment for an entire year.  And we have done it with crazy success, in my opinion.

Two entire families.
All with different jobs.  All with swirling schedules.  All of us trying to Homeschool.
SIX hooligan boys and one crazy baby girl between us.
But, only 2 broken bones and 7 stitches between 3 boys - and none of these accidents anybody else's fault.
Praise Jesus...

Five boys.  Count them. And one large, blue alien.

Deep and true friendships.
Raw and real conversations.
Open honesty.  And Ruthless grace.

I would challenge any two families to do as well as the two of us have done this past year.
Seriously.

It takes a whole heck of a lot of humility to let others see you for who you REALLY are - no false pretenses, no facade, no walls....just broken, messed up you....trying to live life out the best you can.  But knowing that always and forever - no matter what - you have each other's back.  Even during the messy.

Especially during the messy....

Theirs and ours.

These friends have put up with my chickens roosting for the night in the open windows of their car, and chicken poop all over the porch - despite my best attempts.  Night after night and morning after morning, they have listened to crazy CRAZY loud upstairs neighbors who wake up at zero dark thirty every. single. day, and have listened to fussy baby girls sleeping directly above them for multiple nights on end.  They've had to kick my ducks out of their garage and swerve to miss all of my chickens as they drive out of the dooryard for work each day.  They have loved on a whirling dervish baby who always breaks into their bedroom and steals their chocolate; and almost every single time we asked them to babysit - with the promise that London was down for good for the night so there's absolutely nothing you need to do - we would come home to Charlie holding her, with a bleary-eyed smile on his face, saying that she'd had a pretty rough night.

Exhibit one out of at LEAST ten probably.  I kind of lost count.

There has been no judgment with their friend who hates change, and who got all panicky when they re-arranged their own house.  (Sorry about that one).  They nodded and smiled at their immature neighbors who occasionally liked to pull a prank or two here and there....they rolled with crack of dawn texts to borrow the spare car to get to church on time....and they were gracious when a puppy dog boy broke a cherished vase from a passed away Grammy.  They didn't get frustrated when one of mine shot a groundhog that they enjoyed watching from the window....and they didn't freak out when another one of mine caused their boy - on his very first day of learning to ride a two wheel bike - to take the digger of the century because of an enthusiastic "ride beside."  And that's just the tip of the iceberg.  Truly.

Our boys are giants.  And they live life wild.  They are loud.  And they sometimes lack the common sense to think before they act, or to look before they leap.  They talk incessantly, and meal times are a bit of a circus. Their boys are a little more cautious.  And they live life a wee bit more smartly than mine do.  They know how to be quiet, and they know how to sit still for longer than two minutes.  Methinks once our "pack of wolves" has moved on, these guys will be shocked at the semblance of sanity and order that will once again take over their Homestead.  I think they've probably forgotten how it once was....

Aunty Shandy....who gave London her first taste of popsicle AND of chocolate.

These friends have lived with an insane amount of LOUD and CHAOS....and 365+ days of living and LIFE that comes with meshing two families of ten.

And they have done it with grace.
And with dignity.
With love that has overflowed--that kind of a blood brother and sister love-- from the very depths of their hearts.

Our boys making a Family Supper in the kitchen.

We are a lot to handle....
And they just took on all of it.
They have blessed.
And they have given freely and fully from their overflow...even when there was no overflow to give from.

"Stooping It" with Shandy.  My favorite times.  Coffee on the porch while the kids ran wild and free.

Our hearts will be forever knit, and our souls will be forever bound.
Our friendship will be forever strong.
And our children will be forever bonded....
What an Epic-ly, AMAZING experiment this has been!
What a memory we will have to always look back upon with fondness and Happiness....

This we do. And This we did with each other....

I pray that we were just a fraction of the blessing to you that you four were to us....
To the next Chapter of the Journey, dear Ones.
May God bless you richly and deeply -- abundantly above and beyond all that you can ever ask for or imagine because of your deep kindness to us....

How we love you.

When You Need to be Reminded...

Thursdays are the days I count my Joys.
I try to do this all the other days of the week as well.  It's just harder when I'm racing.

Summer's Last Hurrah.  Our final trip to Bar Harbor for the season.  We had the place to ourselves.

On Thursday, I don't have to be anywhere, and there is no schedule but my own.
It's Thursday where I begin to feel human again, and I remember to slow and savor.

Thursday is my Sabbath.

Thursdays are the days where I fill my tank with HOME.
Days are filled with making applesauce, and with conquering the growing mountain of laundry...
Days of cleaning toilets, tidying rooms, and maybe actually making an honest to goodness meal.
Thursdays, I live in my cozy clothes, and the boys and I do school on the front steps outside.
We ride our bikes up and down the driveway, and we cook and bake together in the kitchen.
On Thursday I am reminded of all of the sacred that lives in the midst of all of the chaos.

I don't ever want to be too busy to do this...to see this...and there are days where I feel as though I am right on the edge of blindness.  One of the reasons why we chose to homeschool our kids was to maintain a simplicity in our lives.  I don't want to be a slave to other people's schedules, and I refuse to live in the car. At least for a few more years.

And there are SO many good things out there - so many great things - that we could all be involved in.
Myself included.
Soccer, basketball, AWANA, swim, boy scouts etc. for the boys...
Worship team, small group parenting classes at church, nights out with the girls to scrapbook for me.
All good.
And all things that my heart longs to do - and even sometimes feels frustrated that I can't right now.

But for me, for right now, it's just not the time.
Not yet.

A friend who is pregnant with her sixth baby boy quoted a verse from the Bible that read: "It is not for King's to drink wine...." meaning: drinking wine is not bad in and of itself, but it's not for a King to be doing while he is on duty.  He needs to be on his game, and he needs to be good at what he does at all times.  His mind should be clear and his focus should be sharp.

This friend connected the dots to motherhood and the seasons and responsibilities that come with this stage of parenting and life.  For me, for right now - it is not for Amy to add anything to her plate.  It is not for Amy to live her life so full that "all her busy rushing ends in nothing."  It is not for me to leave zero God-space where I wouldn't be able to hear Him if I tried, and where if He asked me to let someone into my days or to do something for someone on the fly it would be far too much of a headache to remove Life off of my agenda for the day.

For right now, it IS for Amy to mother her children well.  It IS my responsibility to bring learning into their days, and to teach them well.  It IS my responsibility to do my absolute best during my three supper shifts at work and to be Christ to my co-workers.  It IS for me to get to Friday co-op on time, to love on as many kids as possible, and to connect with those other Mama friends for those few short hours of Crazy.  This season - this "right now" season of time - IS for me to sit in the service beside my brother in law and to worship from the seats and not from the stage.  It IS the season for me to finish our year here well with our housemates, and to love their two boys as my own. This is the time - this right now whirling and swirling crazy messy beautiful time of loud and living that is our children - IS the time for me to stay connected with my husband and to keep his home a haven.

For right now, this is my portion.
And because of that, this right now season of time is for saying a few more "no's" so that that the things I have said "yes" to can be done with excellence.  (Or at least with flailing-ly noble attempts)...

This is not the season to live my every day harried and pulled completely taut.
If we pass like ships in the night already as it is - it is not the season to add more wind to our sails.
If I want to be intentional with the ones whom I love - it is not the season to refuse them any God space in my day or to tell them time after time "I'm sorry, there just isn't any room for you."

It's the season for weighing and for counting the cost.
For assessing and for re-assessing.  And for bringing the kids along for the ride.
Do you want to play soccer?  Okay, then we may not play basketball.
Do you want to go to AWANA? Okay, then we may not do swim.
Do I want to be home more evenings than not with my babies?  Okay, then maybe I won't help lead worship.
Do I want to enjoy my kids and not view them as interruptions? Okay, then all of the extras will need to go on hold for a time.

For a season...

But because "Childhood is a Journey, and not a Race" .... it is not for me to try and be Superwoman.
It is not for me to try and "win" at everything else outside of my HOME.
Because childhood is a Journey...it is a season for pacing myself, for savoring the simple, and for saying no to the tyranny of the urgent.

After all, I'm the queen of this castle already.
At least on Thursdays...