A Different Kind of Labor Pain...

Dear friends married off their their youngest daughter the other day...
And right before my eyes - I witnessed it.
The closing of the chapter of childhood days forever gone in a beautiful rush of "I do's."

Weddings slay me.
They are such a mix of beauty and of pain - of letting go and of flying free.

And since motherhood is made up of childhood, there really is a painful beauty in watching those roles morph and change...of watching a different kind of labor pain take place right before your very eyes...and of watching the mother and father so beautifully open wide their hands...

....of the gift that was just on Loan in the first place...

And I am reminded once again that these days of whirling swirling chaos...
...this season of doing and doing and re-doing over and over again...
...these days of living life right down in the deep and muddy thick of it...

It's just a vapor...
Sometimes it's good to be reminded.

While the days may be long, this season is fleeting.
It is not forever.
Not by a long shot...
And I don't want to wish years away.

One day, I will blink, and that will be me - standing in front of many - watching my sons and my daughter start a brand new chapter of their lives while one of my own closes shut.

So, may I not spend these fleeting days of my children's life on fleeting things...
May they see in me - a Mama who wanted to live life large - by stooping ever lower, and by finding joy wherever...

May they read on the pages of our lives lived together a tapestry of grace...
...a list miles long of "I'm sorry's" and of "I forgive you's."
...of "I love you's," and of "I really, really like you, too!"

May they never doubt our love for them...and may the lessons that they really learn and take away be the ones that are the most important, anyway.  May God's grace cover the multitude of their Mama and their Daddy's flaws...and may they remember a rich and sacred childhood - one with Jesus woven everywhere.

May they remember my "yes's" far more than my "no's."
And may we - all together - live life loud, and full -- bold and crazy in love with each other and with Jesus!
May we slow...
Might we see....

All of that sacred that lives right in the midst of all of the crazy chaos that makes up our days...
Our beautiful days of messy and of glory....

And when all is said and done.... in those few short years down the road...
Might we be able to do what our friends did so beautifully on that night just a few evening's back....

Might we "laugh that we lived and dance that we dared and inhale that it all happened....and it all was grace."
~ Ann Voskamp

When you Lived an Adventure Experiment...

So.  Here we go again.
We are gearing up for move #9 in 15 years....
I am becoming a professional.
And God is once again, always and forever, proving Himself Faithful at every turn...

All along we planned to stay here for about 18 months, but now at month 13, the Lord has opened up a sweet little house in the country for us to rent.  The price is right, and I would much rather move in the fall than on the tail-end of winter, so we are moving forward....listening to His leading and preparing our hearts and our boys for another new chapter. This move will be the hardest for them, by far.  They will be leaving behind two soul-brothers, and a live-in Aunty and Uncle, as well.

 

Our mansion we've been living in for the past year.  We had the entire top floor.

I can barely even wrap my brain around the fact that we have lived this "glorified-dorm-life-married-with-kids-commune" experiment for an entire year.  And we have done it with crazy success, in my opinion.

Two entire families.
All with different jobs.  All with swirling schedules.  All of us trying to Homeschool.
SIX hooligan boys and one crazy baby girl between us.
But, only 2 broken bones and 7 stitches between 3 boys - and none of these accidents anybody else's fault.
Praise Jesus...

Five boys.  Count them. And one large, blue alien.

Deep and true friendships.
Raw and real conversations.
Open honesty.  And Ruthless grace.

I would challenge any two families to do as well as the two of us have done this past year.
Seriously.

It takes a whole heck of a lot of humility to let others see you for who you REALLY are - no false pretenses, no facade, no walls....just broken, messed up you....trying to live life out the best you can.  But knowing that always and forever - no matter what - you have each other's back.  Even during the messy.

Especially during the messy....

Theirs and ours.

These friends have put up with my chickens roosting for the night in the open windows of their car, and chicken poop all over the porch - despite my best attempts.  Night after night and morning after morning, they have listened to crazy CRAZY loud upstairs neighbors who wake up at zero dark thirty every. single. day, and have listened to fussy baby girls sleeping directly above them for multiple nights on end.  They've had to kick my ducks out of their garage and swerve to miss all of my chickens as they drive out of the dooryard for work each day.  They have loved on a whirling dervish baby who always breaks into their bedroom and steals their chocolate; and almost every single time we asked them to babysit - with the promise that London was down for good for the night so there's absolutely nothing you need to do - we would come home to Charlie holding her, with a bleary-eyed smile on his face, saying that she'd had a pretty rough night.

Exhibit one out of at LEAST ten probably.  I kind of lost count.

There has been no judgment with their friend who hates change, and who got all panicky when they re-arranged their own house.  (Sorry about that one).  They nodded and smiled at their immature neighbors who occasionally liked to pull a prank or two here and there....they rolled with crack of dawn texts to borrow the spare car to get to church on time....and they were gracious when a puppy dog boy broke a cherished vase from a passed away Grammy.  They didn't get frustrated when one of mine shot a groundhog that they enjoyed watching from the window....and they didn't freak out when another one of mine caused their boy - on his very first day of learning to ride a two wheel bike - to take the digger of the century because of an enthusiastic "ride beside."  And that's just the tip of the iceberg.  Truly.

Our boys are giants.  And they live life wild.  They are loud.  And they sometimes lack the common sense to think before they act, or to look before they leap.  They talk incessantly, and meal times are a bit of a circus. Their boys are a little more cautious.  And they live life a wee bit more smartly than mine do.  They know how to be quiet, and they know how to sit still for longer than two minutes.  Methinks once our "pack of wolves" has moved on, these guys will be shocked at the semblance of sanity and order that will once again take over their Homestead.  I think they've probably forgotten how it once was....

Aunty Shandy....who gave London her first taste of popsicle AND of chocolate.

These friends have lived with an insane amount of LOUD and CHAOS....and 365+ days of living and LIFE that comes with meshing two families of ten.

And they have done it with grace.
And with dignity.
With love that has overflowed--that kind of a blood brother and sister love-- from the very depths of their hearts.

Our boys making a Family Supper in the kitchen.

We are a lot to handle....
And they just took on all of it.
They have blessed.
And they have given freely and fully from their overflow...even when there was no overflow to give from.

"Stooping It" with Shandy.  My favorite times.  Coffee on the porch while the kids ran wild and free.

Our hearts will be forever knit, and our souls will be forever bound.
Our friendship will be forever strong.
And our children will be forever bonded....
What an Epic-ly, AMAZING experiment this has been!
What a memory we will have to always look back upon with fondness and Happiness....

This we do. And This we did with each other....

I pray that we were just a fraction of the blessing to you that you four were to us....
To the next Chapter of the Journey, dear Ones.
May God bless you richly and deeply -- abundantly above and beyond all that you can ever ask for or imagine because of your deep kindness to us....

How we love you.

When You Need to be Reminded...

Thursdays are the days I count my Joys.
I try to do this all the other days of the week as well.  It's just harder when I'm racing.

Summer's Last Hurrah.  Our final trip to Bar Harbor for the season.  We had the place to ourselves.

On Thursday, I don't have to be anywhere, and there is no schedule but my own.
It's Thursday where I begin to feel human again, and I remember to slow and savor.

Thursday is my Sabbath.

Thursdays are the days where I fill my tank with HOME.
Days are filled with making applesauce, and with conquering the growing mountain of laundry...
Days of cleaning toilets, tidying rooms, and maybe actually making an honest to goodness meal.
Thursdays, I live in my cozy clothes, and the boys and I do school on the front steps outside.
We ride our bikes up and down the driveway, and we cook and bake together in the kitchen.
On Thursday I am reminded of all of the sacred that lives in the midst of all of the chaos.

I don't ever want to be too busy to do this...to see this...and there are days where I feel as though I am right on the edge of blindness.  One of the reasons why we chose to homeschool our kids was to maintain a simplicity in our lives.  I don't want to be a slave to other people's schedules, and I refuse to live in the car. At least for a few more years.

And there are SO many good things out there - so many great things - that we could all be involved in.
Myself included.
Soccer, basketball, AWANA, swim, boy scouts etc. for the boys...
Worship team, small group parenting classes at church, nights out with the girls to scrapbook for me.
All good.
And all things that my heart longs to do - and even sometimes feels frustrated that I can't right now.

But for me, for right now, it's just not the time.
Not yet.

A friend who is pregnant with her sixth baby boy quoted a verse from the Bible that read: "It is not for King's to drink wine...." meaning: drinking wine is not bad in and of itself, but it's not for a King to be doing while he is on duty.  He needs to be on his game, and he needs to be good at what he does at all times.  His mind should be clear and his focus should be sharp.

This friend connected the dots to motherhood and the seasons and responsibilities that come with this stage of parenting and life.  For me, for right now - it is not for Amy to add anything to her plate.  It is not for Amy to live her life so full that "all her busy rushing ends in nothing."  It is not for me to leave zero God-space where I wouldn't be able to hear Him if I tried, and where if He asked me to let someone into my days or to do something for someone on the fly it would be far too much of a headache to remove Life off of my agenda for the day.

For right now, it IS for Amy to mother her children well.  It IS my responsibility to bring learning into their days, and to teach them well.  It IS my responsibility to do my absolute best during my three supper shifts at work and to be Christ to my co-workers.  It IS for me to get to Friday co-op on time, to love on as many kids as possible, and to connect with those other Mama friends for those few short hours of Crazy.  This season - this "right now" season of time - IS for me to sit in the service beside my brother in law and to worship from the seats and not from the stage.  It IS the season for me to finish our year here well with our housemates, and to love their two boys as my own. This is the time - this right now whirling and swirling crazy messy beautiful time of loud and living that is our children - IS the time for me to stay connected with my husband and to keep his home a haven.

For right now, this is my portion.
And because of that, this right now season of time is for saying a few more "no's" so that that the things I have said "yes" to can be done with excellence.  (Or at least with flailing-ly noble attempts)...

This is not the season to live my every day harried and pulled completely taut.
If we pass like ships in the night already as it is - it is not the season to add more wind to our sails.
If I want to be intentional with the ones whom I love - it is not the season to refuse them any God space in my day or to tell them time after time "I'm sorry, there just isn't any room for you."

It's the season for weighing and for counting the cost.
For assessing and for re-assessing.  And for bringing the kids along for the ride.
Do you want to play soccer?  Okay, then we may not play basketball.
Do you want to go to AWANA? Okay, then we may not do swim.
Do I want to be home more evenings than not with my babies?  Okay, then maybe I won't help lead worship.
Do I want to enjoy my kids and not view them as interruptions? Okay, then all of the extras will need to go on hold for a time.

For a season...

But because "Childhood is a Journey, and not a Race" .... it is not for me to try and be Superwoman.
It is not for me to try and "win" at everything else outside of my HOME.
Because childhood is a Journey...it is a season for pacing myself, for savoring the simple, and for saying no to the tyranny of the urgent.

After all, I'm the queen of this castle already.
At least on Thursdays...